Thursday, August 10, 2006
I am currently just waiting for my day at work to end... I am hiding from everyone and pretending to be working. And why not? When I do what is needed, no one notices and I get blamed for things not working somewhere else. If I do nothing, I get blamed too. So why try? Either way I'm not going to be recognized for doing any work.
This is such a wonderful working place. Bleh. And it used to be the best gig in town. *jazzhands*
Linn,4:18 AM
You know what I hate? Forgetting people's birthdays. You know what I hate even more? Remembering people's birthdays but forgetting to say congratulaaaation!
I dooooo care but I'm a dumbass and a forgetful one to that :(
But happy schmappy BIIIIRTHDAY to GINA the bestest and TAVIE the bestest too! Now come play my game with me on the free trial account!! you knoooow you want to do it!
Linn,4:18 AM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I wish I didn't care so much about... things, everything! It always gets me in trouble. Somehow along the way it didn't become ok to care about others and what they think, people keep telling me to let it go, to not listen, to not care. But trying to be there for others, isn't that a GOOD thing?
I mean, I was raised that way, partly because I'm a girl and partly because my mother is the same way. I'm the one getting into trouble because of it though, maybe I'm not tough enough? Like at work, people ask me for help or ask me to do things and I take to heart what they say - then they screw me over and blame their own mistakes on me and I get to feel bad. But does that mean that it's my fault, cause I listen to what they say? "Don't take it personally" people tell me, well ok... but WHEN do I take it personally then? Isn't it my coworkers that are to blame for acting like assholes? Why is it my fault that I am hurt when they do bad things? It's like you're naive and a loser if you have emotions or react to things that you think are wrong, the best way is to be a cold psychopath that is affected by nothing, then you're a winner!
It's the same way with my sister, to me the most important thing is to keep your word. If you say that you are going to do something and make a promise, you keep to it! And if you're not sure you can keep it, then don't make a promise. But to my sister it's ok to "prioritize" for others, that SHE gets to decide wether something is very important to me or not. And then she compares it to what she thinks is important to her, and then decides what to do. So if I ask her to do one little small thing for me and she says yes, then something else comes up and she throws my request to the side, because HER thing was more "important". Like there was some universal law that you could meassure things against and give them an objective value of importance. So I get mad, I get upset that she devalues my wishes and my needs just like that, and then she makes me feel guilty for not "understanding" that she has a life too. So I tell her not to make promises, and then she says that it's not that easy because I will get mad at her if she doesn't. GAAAAH! It's like talking to a wall! And then comes the waterworks and the guilttripping.... and there I am, wondering why I got to be the bad guy for wanting her to keep her promise. Is that such a horrible request? And to me, it feels like I do things for her constantly... she calls and asks if she can come stay at my house, I say yes. She borrows my computer and downloads a bunch of programs that screws everything up without asking, I didn't go crazy then. Then when I want to try my game (virus-safe) on her computer she goes ballistic. She acts like a big spoilt kid and I hate it.
Maybe it translates over to my work, I'm so used to trying to please everyone that I let people tread all over me. But how can I start not caring, who do I cut off? Do I not listen to anyone then? How am I going to learn if I cut everyone elses opinions out? I meet enough of those selfrighteous and arrogant people to know that it's not what I want to be like. I'm sure they are happy in their little world where they are the king, but it's like missing out on what life is about... about learning from others and developing as a person. Bah, maybe my problem is that I can't sort the assholes from the good people.
Linn,8:18 AM
