Sunday, October 09, 2005
Hey ----, how u doin'?
Well, school is better. I dreaded this semester, that I was going to be as drained of my life-juices as I was all through the last one. I didn't want to be an intellectual prune six more months. Luckily it doesn't seem to be that way, things are running much more smoothly now. I'm in a study-group that is challenging yet friendly, and that helps alot. I've changed the school where I get my practical training done, which is wonderful. It's a really cool school that has acting intregrated in every subject, and the atmosphere is good. Looking forward to spending some time there.
Also, I'm getting published! Well, it was supposed to have happened in march, but it fell through back then. I had just put it out of my mind, and then suddenly I got this call out of nowhere! It's the thesis I wrote with this other girl, about construction of ethnicity in textbooks for highschool, and it's getting published in this magazine about research in the field of education. Not too fancy-schmancy, but still - gold star in my resume!!
Money is still tight. I'm not starving or anything.. but it's like I never have anything to spare. Also in march, my student funds will be emptied out and gone forever, I'm not sure what to do then. Either tap into savings (meant to be for other things) or just.. work my butt off. Neither is very tempting. Oscar is also unemployed right now, he's doing the application test for Medical school on saturday which he failed in april with only two points (keep your fingers crossed for this one!). Funny that it can be that hard for a young - though experienced - man to find a job in the healthcare sector. All he wants to do is work with elderly in a hospice or something, and you would think that they'd be in desperate need for staff - but no. Well, they are, but there is no money to employ. We get by though. We talk constantly about going somewhere... preferably New York, but anywhere would be fun. Talking about it is free, so we do that alot, but it's not as good as actually doing it, of course.
I play alot of computer games still, it's also free and is therefor an approved way to fill up my spare time. I do love it, although I realize that I can't let it get in the way of my need of sleep. I have been for a little bit too long now. I can't keep going to bed at 5 am in the morning, my body will crumble. Sometimes I also realize that I play to get away, to not think about things, and I have to deal with that soon. Not tonight though... Do you think that computer games eats a persons creativity? I haven't decided on that yet. Can't say that I did more things before this game, but now, when I play this much, I don't seem to want to do anything creative at all! Not even clean my house (is that considered an act of creativity?). Yes, my life is in a bit of a rut right now. Somehow. I guess it's ok though. I'm bored and yet I'm ok with it. Because to change things would mean to make an effort. Don't know what I would change either. And even if I did, I wouldn't have the money to do it HAHA. Life is great.
And F. Since that stupid post where I outed myself a lunatic (you decide which one I mean) things have changed (or have they? dum dum duuum!). I broke down one night on msn and shouted at him, wanting to know what we were doing really? So we challenged eachother to speak out, to tell what was on our mind about all of this. And he went first - and boy did I feel guilty then. He just became all serious and stated that he was hoping that we could build a true friendship for life. In me a saw a potential future friend that he could discuss his inner most thoughts with, a friend to have fun with and a friend to confide in. I just bit down on my ego and felt guilty... is that how he views me? And all this time I've been obsessed with defeating him... wow, I'm evil. But I just said.. ok, that sounds nice, how do we go about it then? He suggested that we'd start hanging out more. So we did. We went out and had a few beers.. and all the tention was suddenly gone. It was just cool and fun and like having a brother. It was weird yet wonderful. For awhile. This was two months ago. Since then it's been up and down, we've done some stuff, we play alot of computer games together, even went to an all-night LAN (DORKS DORKS DORKS). He's madly in love with his girlfriend now, she practicly lives with him, and that's fine and good and dandy. Most of the times. Although just yesterday something happened that kind of shook me up.... (sry for making this a massive, gigantic post) Me and Oscar was out and about on the town, just soaking up the sun and enjoying big city traffic. It was nice and I felt happy and content. Then we turned a corner, and I see F and his wonderous girlfriend walking towards us some odd yards away (what are the probability of that really? Anyone wanna crunch a number for me? Big city, many many ppl.. still in all of the world in all of the bars... etc). In a shock of panic, I instantly turned the other way and dragged Oscar along with me. He got very confused and tried to stop me, but I was in a total state of panicy flight and pulled him away very quickly and brutally. Not until we were on another street, safely out of sight, the panic stopped and I started to feel extremely stupid. I tried to explain to Oscar what had happened, but I didn't quite know myself what it was. Any explanation I could think of was very insulting to both myself and Oscar. I felt ashamed.
The truth was I guess, that I didn't want to face their picture-perfect happiness. I didn't want to stand in front of him and her, feeling that what I had was less. And I KNOW that I don't (knowing and feeling are separate things though). How can I degrade our relationship.. how can I degrade OSCAR like that?! And yes, you are right - I have no idea what hides behind their facade, but somehow I don't care, cause it's the facade I use when I compare. It's just so stupid. It's a sickness that is eating my soul, this constant self-bashing and jealousy of others. I don't know how to stop. And it grinds in my brain, the images of their happiness. Why do I view his happiness as my failure? My god, how evil am I really? He's finally found love and contentment that doesn't hurt anyone, he says he's my friend, that he trusts me and likes me. I'm betraying him. And still that's not all. But not all can be said on this public forum. Just know, I'm the devil. (In a chicken suit)
Like so. No more now. Hope to speak to you soon (whoever you are) I miss you.
Linn,8:00 AM
