tavie.com

First, let me correct an error of omission from this previous Sunday, which was my friend D's snurfwurflemurffle-th birthday. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note my copious use of punctuation to express my regret at having omitted the public declaration on the joyous occasion itself!)

Now, moving on, can I just say, what a fucking day? What a fucking fucked up crazy confusing anxious day?

First of all, my sweet baby is overnight at the hospital while they figure out what's wrong, and since it's the same place to which I took my Rosie, my most beloved of all cats in all history, and from which she did not return home with us, rational or not, my terror that I'll never see him again is very great. Even though there is every likelihood that it's a simple bladder infection, or something routine that can be cured with drugs. Because if it can only be cured with $7000 surgery, and no one I know has $7000 that they can spend on a cat, that is that. And to lose him to lack of money would-- I can't lose him at all, okay, I just can't. It's bad enough I had to leave him with my parents and I think I'll just fucking lose it all if I have to say goodbye to this dearest little white-nosed beastie who snuggles and loves me and filled part of that space that Rosie left.

So that's what I've been trying to push away with work all day, and it worked while work lasted but then work was over.

When work was over, Steph and I did something very surreal and strange and ultimately good but also confusing and I don't really want to get into it, but let's just say that three years is a long time and I believe that friendships can be rebuilt and last forever and that's all I'm going to say about that right now.

To sum, the negative emotions of the day:

fear
anxiety
guilt
terror

The positives:

relief
nostalgia
chocolate cake (I found this low carb recipe that takes three minutes to make and Cheryl calls it my Dopamine Cake)

If you pray, pray for my Stinka. I can't lose another one so soon, I'll just be done, that's it. No more pets forever.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:43 PM | shower me with attention