tavie.com

The worst thing that can happen has just happened. I was in the tub with my giant Stephen King book as I am every night, enjoying my nice warm bath, and A BIG FUCKING SPIDER FELL FROM THE SKY AND LANDED ON MY KNEE AND BOUNCED ONTO THE LIP OF THE TUB.

I screamed and jumped out of the tub into my robe and jumped up and down outside the bathroom as Gina screamed and the cats fled and the world turned green and spun around and around in a hellacious tornado of horror.

Then I committed an extraordinarily brave and heroic act for which I deserve a medal. As Gina screamed and screamed outside (she never laid eyes on the monster, mind you), I ran into my bedroom and grabbed a clear plastic cup that I use to fill my turtle's water pools. Then I grabbed a Weight Watchers dessert box from the recycling and flattened it to a thin sheet.

Then I WENT BACK INTO THE BATHROOM WHERE THE BEAST STILL LURKED. I managed to trap it between the cup and the cardboard. I then came out of the bathroom. Gina yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU CAN'T BRING THAT IN HERE!" But it was the only way to get to the door. She was between my bathroom and the front door - there was no other exit! I HAD to go past her! She screamed and clawed at the walls like a cat. Her Kindle went flying. THE SPIDER WAS CRAWLING ALONG THE INSIDE OF THE TRANSPARENT CUP AS IF IT WERE CRAWLING ON MY VERY HAND. I cannot describe the gut-crawling horror I felt as I took it to the door and threw the cup and spider out into the cold rain.

I am a hero. I am a knight. I deserve a prize.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:57 PM

2 Comments:

Asti said...: Ahem

1. It's just a helpless little spider
2. They are good for the environment and eat cockroaches!
3. If anything, you could have tossed a cat at it and they would have killed it
4. What do you do when you see a cockroach?!?!; 5:11 AM
T Byro said...: Just swat it with a newspaper. They squash very nicely; 9:29 AM

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