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I am generally not one to plagiarize, but as my sister's blog is being revamped and this is only available via not-publicly-linkable Facebook notes, I am going to copy-paste her latest entry. It's too good, too funny, too true and too me not to share.

Please note that my computer can't handle Japanese characters, so those have been removed from the note and replaced with "[Japanese characters removed]". My sister tends to lapse into Japanese, not caring that most of the people where she currently lives don't understand Japanese.

The below was written by Kirsten Phillips, not me.

Top 12 Most Fucked Up Disney Moments

Today at 3:05pm

Back from sun-drenched California. Love it out there. There's a whole different mentality governing the [Japanese characters removed] friends. His name is Arnold. When the sky is a blue not found in Maine and the sunshine is always on some manic high, people are changed.

I went to Disneyland which was not an entirely [Japanese characters removed] affair. I adore Disney with a passion rivaled only by a Japanese baseball card collector. I know the A, B and C sides to every film he's ever made. I am boasting large here but my appreciation for simulacrum and undying affection for things long past keep me young as I stare death down from my nosebleed seats in the stadium.

Over the years, Disney movies have touched the hearts and minds of adults and children alike. We have laughed at the antics of Timon and Pumba. We've sung along with the Little Mermaid in our parents' bedroom over and over AND over again. We've cheered for R. Rabbit and lusted shamelessly after his wife.

For all its reputation for things saccharine, Disney was a genius at storytelling. Like all good stories, there are moments that make us smile and moments that make us wanna flee from the room in horror. In the old days, you were allowed to traumatize kids. Disney had no problem knowing and showing exactly what children could handle. These days, well, kids are soft like marshmallow. So soft, in fact, adults do most of the imagining for them. Loathsome state of affairs if you ask me.

But I digress...

So what about the Disney moments that scarred us? The moments we watched in open-mouthed disbelief? The moments within an innocent G-rated Disney film that we took to bed that night and the next night? The moments that haunted every midnight trip to the potty?

Oh yes. He went there.

Therefore, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I present unto you the Top 12 Most Fucked Up Disney Moments. (You too, Pixar)

12. Toy Story 2: Jesse gets abandoned by her owner, Emily.

I will go so far as to say that Pixar is responsible for some of the finest cinematic storytelling of my generation. Ergo, Pixar is responsible for the most mentally-damaging scenarios since Bambi.

Fuck you, Pixar! Fuck you! Not only do you destroy us with the heart-wrenching separation of a beloved toy from its child, you involve Sarah McLaughlin! That is, as Flo-Rida eloquently puts it, L.O.W.

11. Lady and the Tramp: Lady Watches Nutsy Take the Long Walk

Take. The Long. Walk. Yup. Did you know that? Disney slaughters puppies. Or, their tragic, happy, unaware silhouettes lead behind creaky one-way doors. The heroine, Lady, gently voices our own bewilderment: "Y-you mean he's...?"

Here, let me reawaken the pain for ya: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=8356770

Don't thank me. ^^

10. The Brave Little Toaster*

I am not going to even attempt to single out just one scarring scene in this film. How about every fucking second? Pixar, don't slink away. You clever bastards are partially responsible for this journey into the dark side of used goods. If you are reading this and do not know what I'm talking about, keep it that way, dudes. This is a fucked up Disney film from beginning to end. Jon Lovitz plays a radio.

9. Bambi: Bambi's Mom Bites It

Love is a song that never-- KA-BLAM! This scene has been so oft cited, it is permissible to ridicule. Managing to make it to adulthood after watching this scene is now a rite of developmental passage. The sooner you get it done, the better. Kind of like small babies being handed to dancing [Japanese characters removed] during Setsubun. Terrify them now so they'll be stronger later.
Most dewy-eyed meeps walks away from Bambi shaken but, for the most part, able to deal with the world. That is, until they watch Pinocchio.

8. Dumbo: Pink Elephants

Our first journey into the realm of Disney Psychedelics. Once upon a time, absolutely everyone in America was on narcotics. Here is proof that the Disney studios was no exception.

There was a moment in this sequence that used to send me fleeing from the room in tears. The part when this belly dancer elephant's belly turns into an eye?! AGHHHHH!

Dumbo, in and of itself, was designed to fuck with our mentality. If I hold a magic feather, I can fly. My mama got put in prison. I am the only animal in this entire movie who CAN'T. TALK. Pink elephants are only a small hiccup in the grand scheme of Disney drug trips.

7. The Black Cauldron : The Horned King Awakens the Cauldron Born

This film had the potential to be the crowning jewel of fantasy sword/sorcery vehicles in the 80's. Back then, every other movie involved a hero, a bimbo and a sword. With its genius for classic storytelling, Disney could very well have taken this beautiful Welsh tale and made it into something more memorable.

But the bonehead execs at Disney forgot its roots, watered it down and hence it was a sham. Though I was thrilled the day it was released on DVD, I found the edit to be made for pussies. The Horned King is truly a terrifying character and he ought to have stayed that way. I firmly remember being transfixed by a dark close-up of that ghoulish face as a child. However, that scene no longer exists in the current edition.

The Black Cauldron was not a success because Disney didn't go all the way. But it's still a quintessential part of my childhood.

6. The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: Heffalumps and Woozles

The 2nd of the Famed Disney Trysts into Psychedelica, further proof that animators subsist on nothing but nachos and crack. I never quite understood what was trying to be accomplished in this movie. It always left me wanting crimson and closure.

5. Cinderella: Cinderella Gets Assaulted by her Stepsisters

Two apeshit jealous stepsisters violently trashing the loving handiwork of singing mice! That was a pretty brutal catfight, I must say! How on earth did Disney model that scene? One can only imagine.....

4. Snow White: Wicked Queen Transformation

Another classic piece of cinema created well ahead of its time. The scream of fright bit bothered me the most as a child but the actual transformation sent people like my father and Steven Spielberg screaming from the movie theaters in terror.

3. The Three Caballeros: The Ending

Quick, we haven't got enough budget to tie this together! What're we gonna do? Uh, uh, I dunno. Wait, WAIT! I see a dancing cactus! Now the cactus is gonna turn into a woman! Donald is gonna chase the woman! And then there will be fast-paced music and bursting color explosions! Then Donald will turn into a pinata and explode, wait, are you getting all this???

The 3 Caballeros was part of an ambitious project promoting Latin American culture in America. 90% of the film is suitable for children and stars one of Disney's most beloved birds, Donald Duck. However, something went awry in the last 10 minutes because I swear to you, the only way to make sense of it is to treat it like THE WALL.

Roll, roll, roll a joint, twist it on the end.
Merrily, merrily take a puff and pass it to your friend.

2. Disney War Propaganda Series

All war propaganda is mind-fuckery at its worst. But when Disney does it? It's all that much more fucked. This wasn't innocent or accidental, folks. Disney was employed by the government to support the war with visuals only die-hard fanatics should ever see. It is interesting to note, however, that nowhere in this propaganda does Mickey Mouse make an appearance. That honor went to Donald, the less stable of the two. Catch-22?

Finally, the Numero Uno of all Fucked Up Disney Moments...

1. Where'd all the donkeys come from?

*(Tavie again) I'm also going to repost my nitpicky response to her note:
Genius again - although I have to nitpick a couple things to prove that I'm A Bigger Geek Than Thou:

-"The Brave Little Toaster" was produced and distributed by
Disney, but they didn't actually, you know, *make* it.

-The Prydain Chronicles were pseudo-Welsh, not actually Welsh. (Small but real distinction.)

Otherwise - LOVE your choices, TOTALLY agree with your #1. And I am amused to note that you're just as freaked out by psychedelia as I am.

I am reposting this.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:20 PM | shower me with attention