tavie.com

I've all but abandoned this blog because I honestly don't have anything to say most days except things that will make people upset with me, like how my life is drained of color, and I'm miserable pretty much all day long, and I have no goals and no desire to change, and yet things are so stagnant the way they are that I can feel myself rotting.

So what am I supposed to say? I find myself talking to people at work in a cheerful tone of voice so they won't ask me what's wrong, and then I get mad at myself for sounding so phony and hope they don't notice. This happens all day long. Everything I say that sounds cheerful is a performance. I almost started crying at my desk today for no reason. I can hear myself grumbling. What am I supposed to say about this? Don't get mad at me for being like this.

I thought I would look for some sort of volunteer opportunity here so that I could concentrate on someone other than me. Give something, make myself useful.

What I found is that I can't find a single way to help people that doesn't involve talking to and meeting people, and I just can't do it. I just cannot do that. I am not in the space to talk to anyone at all. I just want to get under the covers. I wish there was a way for me to, say, help lonely senior citizens, while simultaneously never having to make small talk with any of them.

I found one thing where I can knit scarves and lap blankets for the Visiting Nurse Service of NY (Bronx Chapter), but even that will involve going to the Bronx and getting yarn and patterns and talking to someone. I can't face it.

Sorry. Don't email me about this post, I don't want to talk about anything with anyone.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 7:53 PM | shower me with attention