tavie.com

Was watching Head of the Class as usual last night. I saw from the episode description that it would be one of the famous musical episodes, but it was the Grease one, the one I had least coveted, so I decided to just go watch it upstairs and not tape it.

Only, as it turns out, I'm an idiot, because that episode just happens to star John Cameron Mitchell.

Dagnabbit.

We're in Rhode Island now at Cheryl's place but we're about to leave. It was a very nice day although I spent a great chunk of it sleeping on the couch.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 7:41 PM | shower me with attention

I've been saying lately that I've seen everything that the Internet has to offer, and I was so, so wrong. Things like this exist. Fan-fiction for obscure, early-1990's Disney Afternoon cartoon characters. Please don't neglect to read the fan-fiction submissions guidelines.

Dude.

If there is a god in heaven, things like this don't exist for Ducktales. But I don't wanna know.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 12:10 AM | shower me with attention

Friday, July 04, 2003

My mom and I watched 1776 today like we do every year.

Ben Franklin was such a rock star.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 11:51 PM | shower me with attention

Today I was sitting in the PATH car with the conductor in it, near the front of the train, when we stopped at 23rd street. The doors opened and the conductor picked up his microphone and blared so the people on the platform could hear, "WOULD THE MAN WITH THE LIVE SNAKE AROUND HIS NECK PLEASE TAKE THE SNAKE OFF AND PUT IT IN HIS BAG, OR ELSE DO NOT GET ON MY TRAIN." He repeated the message twice, leaned out the window, and then muttered, "Ain't bringin' that thing on my train."

Why are you in Tavie's head? 11:46 PM | shower me with attention

Today's the fourth of July.
Another June has gone by
and when they light up our town I just think,
"What a waste of gunpowder and sky."

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:33 PM | shower me with attention

I need this please. It's almost my birthday, this is what I want. You can only get it from Videoflicks.

Someone get this for me.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:40 AM | shower me with attention

Thursday, July 03, 2003

My favourite moment in the movie Magnolia-- a film I find to be complex and beautiful, full of patterns and motifs and emotion, all things I appreciate in a movie-- my favourite moment is when Julianne Moore's character apologizes to Philip Seymour Hoffman's character. They're both having an incredibly intense day, with dying and sadness and everything, and Julianne Moore knows she is going to leave now and attempt suicide, and she's crying as she says to Phil, "I'm sorry I slapped your face. I don't know how to do this. I fucked up. Can you forgive me?" and then the camera cuts to Phil and his eyes are full of tears.

It's his compassion, it's shown so movingly in Hoffman's face, it makes me cry with him. He's such an incredible actor. His face is so damn expressive.

My second favourite scene is the sing-along, because it's strange and daring and reminds us that all of the characters are part of the same story.

It's not going to stop so just give up.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:18 AM | shower me with attention

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

I would like to see this.

So, the deal with new blogger is, from my Mac it's in the crappy low-fi version, and from any PC it's in the regular new version.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:23 PM | shower me with attention

This again please. (Last entry on the page.)

Why are you in Tavie's head? 7:31 PM | shower me with attention

How I loathe group-empowerment movements that exist to eradicate individuality, that exclude intelligence as a factor in any facet of their cause and discourage it by way of bland, homogenous platitudes that overuse the words "fuck" and "fuckin'". How I loathe the "fat-acceptance" movement, which is ridiculously radical, to the exclusion of anyone with any eye towards trying to change themselves for the sake of mental and physical health. How I loathe websites like this, where, instead of intelligent, articulate individuals, fat girls are lumped together as "goddesses" and "divas" and there are tips on how to turn bedsheets into goddess-robes, and faerie costumes you can make yourself, and diatribes against Ricki Lake, their fallen hero. Are overweight women faeries now? Do we need wings? Do they realize that some of us don't want to be goddesses or faeries, and that buy promoting their narrow view, they damn us all anyway? Do they realize that in attempting to make themselves powerful, by straining for some new definition of "special", they succeed in making us all ridiculous? Oh, yes, by all means let's try to adjust public consciousness so that we all look like bitter morons attempting to cover up our own self-loathing by dressing in flowing gowns and weilding glittery sceptres. If I hear the fat women/real women equation one more time, I'm going to vomit my low-carb breakfast all over the keyboard. Can we only define ourselves by our physical trappings? Aren't we supposed to be bonding over something a little more substantial than cup-size or cottage-cheese thighs?

(No, see, the faerie in the lower right-hand corner isn't supposed to be me.)

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:41 PM | shower me with attention

Oh dear sweet lord, I know what's missing: MORE bears and pigs and chickens and things!!!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:26 AM | shower me with attention

Here's a contradiction to chew on (on the side without the cavity of course, contradictions are like tinfoil to cavities):

1. I tend to dislike people with high opinions of themselves. Or, if not dislike the person, immediately feel a twinge of disrespect. At any rate, I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to high self-worth, or even honestly positive self-assessment.

2. I tend to idolize divas, who, by nature, have high opinions of themselves.

What's going on? The first trait demonstrates some sort of mental backwardsness, a kind of self-esteem-phobia. Is it a form of jealousy? A fear of crossing the line towards nauseating egomania?

The second trait demonstrates juvenile idol-worship, a tendency to stereotype and a rather disturbing predilection for feather boas.

Furthermore:

3. I find self-deprecation funny.

What the?

This one thing I know to be true: too much self analysis (in my case, any) is poisonous. I'd love to be free of my self for a bit. I think that would be so refreshing, to be someone else. Is this what actors get off on? Or is acting something else altogether? I don't really know what acting is. Maybe this is what multiple personality disorders get off on.

At any rate, it's okay: I still hate myself, so I still love myself.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:06 AM | shower me with attention

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

We went over more of the internet today in class. I was doing the acrostic most of the time because I don't really think there's anything about newsgroups and such that she could possibly teach me. I sort of heard her saying she usually skips the part of the textbook that go over the emotive acronyms because she finds them silly. As a lark she began reading them out loud from the book, and some people would shout back what they meant. So it was,
"L-O-L..."
"Laughing out loud!"
"R-O-F-L..."
"Rolling on the floor laughing!"

And so on. Then she said, "Some of these I've never heard of. V-B-G..."

There was silence so I said, not looking up from my puzzle, "Very big grin."

She said, "You knew that???" and she sounded so surprised that I looked up, and the whole class was sort of grinning at me. So I smiled sheepishly.

Then she went on, "I-M-H-O..."

and again no one said anything so I muttered, "In my humble opinion," before realizing I was doing it, and then I looked up again the whole class was laughing.

So obviously I spend too much time on the internet or something. Well, that's new.

It was amusing though.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 7:19 PM | shower me with attention

Happy Canada Day.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:46 PM | shower me with attention

Monday, June 30, 2003

Why did I think today was the 1st? Today is the 30th, making it my Ade-iversary and my Dave-iversary. 7 years today, this happened. So that's a significant event.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:45 PM | shower me with attention

Better today. Not eating well and that needs to be nipped in the bud. My father and Andrew, who was here when I woke up (yay!) at 3 pm today (boo!) both think I would do better to give up the idea of no starches and sugar so I don't have to feel bad when I fell off. They don't understand that when I'm eating them all the time, I feel bad all the time. At least when I try to control it, I feel guilty when I don't, but I feel like a normal person when I do. So back on that horse.

I did great this weekend anyhow. It's just there's something about coming back to this house and the heaps of sugar and flour just sitting around in its various forms, taunting me cruelly. A crackhouse is no place for a junkie. But I'll keep trying. Don't stop now: I don't often check my weight, but I did the other day and I was five or six pounds lighter than a few weeks ago. So, keep going.

Just remember the most important reason not to eat sugar: I don't currently have dental care.

(Although that logic doesn't really work because that's also the most important reason not to eat lemons, limes and other acidic foods, and I don't intend to give those up anytime soon.)

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:44 PM | shower me with attention

Two people who were very important in my life are gone. They were both extended family to me. They're not dead but they're gone from my life. The lack of closure is making me increasingly depressed. The part of me that believed in the permanence of love is rotting off.

I don't believe in the permanence of good things anymore, like uncles and best friends, but I do believe in the permanence of depression and hopelessness. What stupid luck.

What I'd really like to do is listen to Whatever right now. Some nice old-fashioned wallowing would be nice. Good, bitter wallowing music would be ideal. Nothing would be more right at this moment than the last track on that album. But where are my CDs? I don't know, since apparently I don't listen to music anymore.

Instead I will go wallow in my new holy trinity, ritually worshipped nightly from 4 to 5:30: Perfect Strangers, Head of the Class and Family Ties.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:04 AM | shower me with attention

I don't listen to music anymore.

I feel so depressed.

I will spend the next few hours trying to decide if the above two statements are connected.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:54 AM | shower me with attention

Sunday, June 29, 2003

Oh no oh no oh no.

Oh Kate.

My favourite actress of all time.

Oh no oh no.

She was 96. She died peacefully surrounded by family. But she's gone from the earth now.

It is so stupid to cry about this. She's with Spencer now. And she was old. She died of old age. But it's terrible.

I refer to her too familiarly. I scared my mom. She thought I was talking about Andrew's Kate. That would be a real tragedy; an ill woman who dies of old age is sad but not a tragedy. But it still hurts my heart.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:41 PM | shower me with attention

Bobby-q. Bobby-q sum-diddly-dum-der weekend. Lemonade squeezin', chicken grillin', watermelon eatin', backyard layin', mosquito itchin', braid-on-top-of-the-head-pinnin', sunblock slatherin' sum-diddly-dum-der weekend. Mint Manor has two air conditioners, two cats, three gals and a pitcherful of fresh lemon-limeade (secret ingredient: grease of the elbow.)

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:05 PM | shower me with attention