tavie.com

Welcome back to the Point of No Return.

I had this elaborate scale worked out in my head as to why I will be miserable for the rest of my working life. It had to do with the difficulty of waking from natural sleep versus melatonin-induced sleep. The scale went roughly as follows:

1 - Waking from exactly the right amount of sleep. Anything less than 1, in the negative numbers, is too much sleep and equals sluggishness. I think that people rarely experience this sort of perfection. This is Morning Nirvana.

3 - Waking earlier than one would like, but after an adequately restful night's sleep. I think most normal peoplen would fit under this category.

5 - Having some trouble waking up. Grogginess. Wears off with the aid of adrenaline from morning routine, and perhaps caffeine. Rest of the day is okay. Maybe sleepy in the afternoon. Probably more people fit under this category than the 3-gradient. (This would be the cause of all those "Americans aren't getting enough sleep" studies.)

7 - Definite difficulty waking. Much continuous caffeine needed to stay awake. Sleepiness throughout the day. This is how I usually function.

10 - Waking after melatonin. Nearly impossible. Always results in lateness or missed work/school. Would rather trade in life than wake up. Bottom of a deep pool of sleep. When awake, very sleepy all day.

This is why I can no longer take melatonin at night.

Anyway, I had a point to all of this. The point of this is, I will never get the right amount of sleep in a nine-to-five life, because no matter what, my body wants to be awake at this time of night. Take now, for example. Last night, I got about 3 hours of sleep-- definitely less than the norm, and much MUCH less than I need to function comfortably. Despite this fact, I woke up feeling more awake than if I had gotten more sleep, and went to work. I needed more coffee than usual to stay awake. When I got home, I watched tv. Around 8:30, I felt ready to pass out, but stayed awake to watch the rest of Buffy. Around 11, I started to chat with some friends online, realized I was completely exhausted, and went to bed.

And lay awake.

Because that's what happens when I go to bed. I start out falling asleep, barely able to keep my eyes open. I turn out the light. I shut my eyes. And suddenly, after having gone through the routine of being ready to sleep, as if the routine itself were jinxing me, I am wide awake. The very act of going to "sleep" wakes me up. Even if I crossword myself into a near-coma, the act of reaching to turn off the light and settling down into a comfortable position wakes me up.

So basically I'm fucked, pretty much for the rest of my life, unless I can find a job that lets me set my own hours or work from home. How does one get into telecommuting? What kind of jobs allow it? This is what I need to be shooting for.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 12:36 AM | shower me with attention