tavie.com

I saw Bluebeard on the subway the other day before my job interview, which went very well. Therefore I think seeing Bluebeard can now be considered good luck. Which is good, as I see him fairly often. I think he lives in my building. He is a normal-looking young dad, often seen taking his young daughter on the subway to school, who dresses in very normal-looking business attire and has a very normal-looking appearance overall, save for his goatee, which is dyed an incredibly bright, garish blue.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:59 PM | shower me with attention

Heterosexual Lifemate's toilet broke this morning. After we peed in her landlady's house, we took off for the city and Weinerdog Festival 2002. (No, we're not going to the knitting festival, but I wish we were.) It was very hot out. We weiner-watched until we both felt like crying for lack of owning a dog, and then we went to that vegetarian place on St Mark's, and returned home fairly early because we are little old ladies that tire easily.

Weinerfest was something else, though. They had a song that they handed out sheet music to, and everyone held up their dogs and sang the song. I hope we have weenies and beanies for dinner.

Toity now repaired.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:56 PM | shower me with attention

I wish I was him.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:46 AM | shower me with attention

I wish I was rich.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:37 AM | shower me with attention

Friday, October 04, 2002

This site, a homeless man's blog, is completely engrossing. (Link c/o Boing Boing.) Heartily recommended reading.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:56 PM | shower me with attention

I have just realized two things:

1. It is not a coincidence that I have become obsessed with M*A*S*H and Sports Night at roughly the same time. To wit:

Is "Sports Night" a comedy or a drama?...I think that Larry Gelbart with "M*A*S*H" showed us that if you just respect the reality of the situation, you can have a series that's both funny and emotional, not just in the same episode, but oftentimes in the same scene. So it was both.

(And both Gelbart and Sorkin are [reportedly] active participants in their respective internet fan message boards. No, this is not a coincidence.)

2. The girl in the commercials for the godawful-looking Comedy Central movie "Porn and Fried Chicken" is the little girl from Home Alone. Brrr.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:21 AM | shower me with attention

There is now no consistency whatsoever to my local FOX affiliate's nightly showings of M*A*S*H. Their online schedule offers no pattern, no clue. Tonight it is NOT on at 1 am; last night it was and tomorrow it will not be. Tonight it is on at 4:30 am, according to the digital cable programming guide (but not to the website.)

This is some sorta bullshit.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:09 AM | shower me with attention

Thursday, October 03, 2002

I am a dirty birdie. I look like a Dickensian street urchin. I think I must have been rubbing my face during art class. Which was better still this week. Did some nice work, for me. Our model was an effeminate bleached-blond with absolutely no hair on his body whatsoever. Anywhere. I mean, he had to have had wax... in places.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 11:46 PM | shower me with attention

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

Aimee Mann, Barenaked Ladies and Joanna Gleason all on tonight's The West Wing. It's like I cast all the guest stars for this episode. Aaron Sorkin has obviously been reading my blog.

Hahahaha. I'm not funny.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:49 PM | shower me with attention

Everyone please submit to me possible topics for final papers for my Native American Indian Ethnologies class. I don't know anything about Native American Indians and she is giving us no guidelines for topic selection. Therefore, how can I expected to come up with something?

Have it on my desk by the end of the week, the proposal is due a week from Tuesday.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:57 PM | shower me with attention

I have to be at the publishing place at 11 tomorrow morning and meet the supervisors. I guess if they like me I get the job. Nothing like getting up early to ingratiate myself to people for the prospect of crappy pay.

I am full of boredom, apathy, ugliness, cellulite, bitterness, jealousy, sadness and hopelessness. Inside of my head, thoughts are increasingly rare; Jane Krakowski's rendition of Sondheim's Sooner or Later is increasingly frequent.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:55 PM | shower me with attention

First this stuff about death and now he's talking about caffeine withdrawal. Craig is obviously trying to mirror my blog. Think up your own material, Mister Buster.

Hahahahaha. I'm not funny.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:24 AM | shower me with attention

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

I am a zombie without coffee. I think I was asleep with my eyes open in class today. So much for cutting down.

Got called back for that job at the publishing place. Cross all fingers and toes.

This new show Andy Dick is on is godawful.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:47 PM | shower me with attention

Another highlight of my life is the nightly 3:30 a.m. Comedy Central showing of Sports Night.

I am boring.

Today I heard a little girl singing "Ba Ba Blacksheep" to herself and I started to sing it to myself, and then panicked because I couldn't remember who gets a bagful of wool other than the little boy who lives down the lane. Luckily mein papa saved me, reminding me about the master and the dame. I like to imagine He-Man and Dame Edna in these roles.

I am so boring.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:41 AM | shower me with attention

This has become a goddamn M*A*S*H blog, hasn't it. My friend Terry teased me today about my obsession with the show. How I love to be teased. It makes me feel like a martyr.

Anyway, I just want to report that I just saw Rufus Wainright's dad on an episode playing a guitar guy singing a song that made everyone feel sad. Then at the end of the episode he played another song and they all danced through the camp together singing it. It made me very happy.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:02 AM | shower me with attention

Monday, September 30, 2002

Gina just wrote an email to a group of our friends and said "we" without specifying to whom she was referring.

We are so gay.

We're like a married couple. We go to Home Depot together to paint our bathroom, walk around with our hairy legs, shop for our cats.

I really would like to make out with a man right now to reassert my heterosexuality. Any takers?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:30 PM | shower me with attention

I don't understand why M*A*S*H isn't on right now. I'm afraid to look at the FX schedule and find out. Luckily I have to go to school now anyway.

If this is a permanent schedule change, I will be losing it.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:33 PM | shower me with attention

The cool thing about being a grownup is, no one comes in and says, "Tavie, why are you sitting here at four in the morning eating raw rhubarb and watching Primal Fear on tv?" I can chew rhubarb and watch Primal Fear until the cows come home.

By the by, Primal Fear is a stupid name for this movie. It's a stupid name for any movie, really, but especially this one.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:04 AM | shower me with attention

Sunday, September 29, 2002

I have my computer back, plus one repaired ethernet port and one nasty-looking, still-broken, too-expensive-to-repair LCD screen. The mushroom is somehow gone, but there are black smudges and streaks all over the upper righthand corner, and several nasty-looking threads running up and across the entire thing. I suppose I will get used to this in time, until someday I manage to earn $750. Will I ever get a frickin' job?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:16 PM | shower me with attention

I think this picture typifies my relationship with my sister. She has obviously taken something that belongs to me, and is gloating about it as I reach angrily for it. See how she basks in the sun as I brood in the shadow.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:41 PM | shower me with attention

Possible causes of my frequent headaches:

Caffeine addiction and subsequent withdrawal between pots.

Almost constant high, tight ponytail worn during summertime.

Eye problems.

Stress.

Brain tumour.

Unborn twin... triplet?... growing inside my skull.

Posession by demonic spirits.

What to do:

Cut down on caffeine.

No more high ponytails.

Get eyes examined.

Learn some stress management techniques (meditation, deep breathing, talk therapy.)

Get CAT scan to check for tumour and/or parts of unborn sibling.

Get an excorcist in here, and this time I'm serious.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:26 AM | shower me with attention