tavie.com

On the subject of dreams, had that nightmare again that we've been neglecting an additional turtle all these years of owning Progo, and suddenly discover him hidden in the tank, ravenous and near death. This time the Other Turtle attacked Progo and almost killed him.

Why do I keep dreaming that Progo is two malnourished, unhealthy turtles? I will explore this:

I am, in waking life, constantly wracked with guilt that I do not give my turtle enough attention in the form of a balanced diet (which he refuses to eat), a large enough swimming area (he only has a dish barely big enough for him to soak in) or ample space to run around (I don't take him out of his 30-gallon-sized tank nearly as often as I should, and when I do it's usually just to run around the bathtub.)

I am, in fact, generally concerned that I am a horrible person for subjecting this poor creature to such a lifestyle, and yet can't bear the thought of finding an alternate home for him (a mythical Turtle Farm where poor city turtles are given a chance to frolic in open fields? A Fresh Air Fund, Herpetological Chapter?)

These feelings of guilt often manifest themselves in the form of dreams in which Progo dies, or is injured as a direct result of my mishandling him. Sometimes I drop him and he breaks. These dreams almost always involve me screaming in helpless horror as my sister or my mother make the necessary emergency arrangements.

Occasionally I have dreams about breaking or mishandling a human baby. Could these babies be stand-ins for my turtle?

I have, in the years since Progo joined our household, had a particular recurring nightmare, the theme of which is that I discover that hidden in Progo's tank all these years is an extra turtle or turtles who are in worse shape than Progo. Thoroughly neglected, starving, often with overgrown beaks and a tendency towards snapping, these poor creatures are near death.

Now:

Are these "extra" turtles simply an extension of my guilt about my existing pet? Has my subconscious split him into more than one so that I may feel the enormity of my wrongdoing? Or, conversely, is this symbolic overstatement of my failed responsibility an attempt on the part of my subconscious to prove that I am exagerrated in my feelings of guilt?

I really should be reading Shaw's Major Barbara right now.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 11:01 PM | shower me with attention