tavie.com

Lazy days before Swedish vacation. I am trying to let myself enjoy the sloth while I can because I won't get another chance for it for a very long time indeed after the conclusion of my European holiday. It's hard to sit around doing nothing, sleeping too much, rereading crappy novels and watching a lot of tv and burning CDs when I remember to, because guilt will often crash its nasty way into my downtime party and hang around, double-dipping the chips and crunching on ice and following me around, nagging, "Why aren't you enriching yourself? Why aren't you exercising? Why aren't you working? How dare you be lazy when there's so much you don't know!" and I have to snap, "Can it, Match Game is on."

So, if I accidentally drop a penny and it lands face-up and I pick it up again, does superstition say that I'm making my own good luck?

Sigh. It's hard to enjoy this stuff when there's so much wrong with me that I should be fixing, yet all I want to do is be lazy and have a good time. But somehow I'm managing to. It's been a good couple of weeks.

Spent my last dollar today. I am officially back on the parental payroll. I both miss the financial freedom of working and dread the return to drudgery and routine. The lazy summers of my childhood will never return. Why didn't I appreciate them more when I had them? The least I can do is appreciate the little taste of them I'm getting now. But noooo, I have to go and worry about the fact that I don't have any money and feel guilty that my aging, hardworking parents still get to feed and house and clothe me and pay my credit card minimums. (Ah, this is coming off better in my head; it really helps if you see the sarcastic facial expressions that accompany these thoughts.)

All I want is to be a kid again, and not have to worry about these things, and run around in my bare feet, stepping on garden slugs and screaming and never getting to be the Robber in Cops and Robbers. Is that so much to ask?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:09 AM | shower me with attention