tavie.com

Spanish appetizers. Tapas are Spanish appetizers.

And very good they were too, the few I could eat. A distressing amount of them were either breaded/encased in dough (nope!) or contained shellfish/seared fish/raw fish (nope!). But some of them were edible, and yummy. And I do so love sangria.

Now to address this:

How sad that I enjoy staying home on Saturday night. I used to love to go out. I used to see all the movies, go to clubs, go shopping, do anything but stay home. Now I'm just as happy to be curled up on the tufon with the cat curled up by my feet. I don't feel like I've gotten old or anything like that. I'm just too comfortable in my messy little house, which I should be cleaning.

Is it a coincidence that this laziness/homebody lifestyle started around the time that I started weekending here? No, it is not. I am a disease. I am Lethargy, personified in one large, rumply body. I make you sleepy. I make you complacent. I make you want to watch tv and never get dressed. But, on the plus side, I occasionally do the dishes.

I was never a party girl. I could never be a party girl. I was raised by nerds; but so was my sister, and my sister is a party girl. So... explain to me what happened.

My theory is that a large part of my brain is fuzzed out all of the time. There's just a grey buzzing where there used to be activity. In my imagination, the chemicals I take that fuzz out the part of me that is depressed and suicidal also fuzz out the part of me that likes to go out and do things. I do know that I never, ever feel fully awake, even at my sharpest. I am always in some state of cloudiness, and I was not always like this. Of course, to take away the grey buzzing would also lift the curtain on the will to die, and it's better to be partially alive than not alive at all, so I just walk around half-awake, always.

Best not to dwell on this. Not without the help of a professional. Which I haven't gotten for the same reason I haven't picked a book/topic for my poetry paper. (She knows why.)

I will say that I feel dandy right now and there is no need for concern, you worriers. And I would never stop taking my medication, not even to experiment. So worry not.

Now, guru lent me his copy of the complete works of Wallace Stevens. I have started to go through it, and I find it pretty but difficult. But it's the only lead I have right now...

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:15 AM | shower me with attention