tavie.com

The theme for today is: not being able to enjoy the things one should be able to enjoy.

I've been temping here for over six months. It was supposed to last 10 weeks, and they kept stretching it out. I lost a semester of school due to many factors, one of which was exhaustion at working 8 hours a day. (Although I know many people manage to do this, I am someone who couldn't get out of bed regularly enough to finish high school-- ah, there that is again!-- and was not ready for working full time and being a part-time student.)

This semester I took only two classes to try and adapt to this, because having money is nice, but all the while I have been despairing about never getting out of school if I continue at this rate. And yet I haven't been able to go to my bosses and say, "Hey, it's been fun, y'all, but I really need to concentrate on school now." So I've just gone on exhausting myself. (And does the increased tendency towards self-loathing and overblogging correspond to this life arrangement? Possibly. These increases coincided with roughly the start of this job, but so did planes crashing into buildings a few blocks away. So it's hard to tell.)

At any rate, the problem was solved for me today. I called in sick, due to... feeling sick. Left a message on a supervisor's machine. (Same-said supervisor who'd recently complained about my latenesses, which I then tried my best to correct.) Slept. Woke up, checked my own messages and found one from my agency. "Due to cutbacks", it says, my assignment ends Friday.

Finally.

But rather than breathe my sigh of relief, rejoice, think of all the make-up sleep I can now get, and all of the free time I'll have to devote myself to getting schoolwork done, I get all paranoid and cranky.

"Is this because I was out today? Did she not check her messages? Are they finally tired of the lateness? Are they fed up with me?"

I mean, what the fuck? This job finally ends and all I can do is obsess over reasons why I might have been fired? Why not just accept what agency-lady said?

Because I'm me. And I've been there six months, and I can't let myself enjoy anything.

And also I'm a little afraid of going in tomorrow (and Friday) and finding that I have, indeed, been fired, and it's because I've done a terrible job and they're sick of me.

I know I really need to update the resumé and get a new assignment lined up, what with credit card bills and plane tickets and all, but I really need a damn vacation for a little bit. Can I return to slackerdom for a little while? Or will I not let myself enjoy it?

Speaking of not being able to enjoy things I should, someone evil posted to the newsgroup today. All I could think was, in Lisa Miller's voice, "It's never over, Dave."

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:32 PM | shower me with attention