Wednesday, December 05, 2001

just had to respond to a couple of things in tavie's blog:

1. ahem...are you trying to get me lynched by the other potential recipients of your christmas generousity? don't blame me for your shopping troubles...i'm not that hard to shop for for those who know me at ALL ::throws self amid sofa cushions to sob:: pity me yet? : )

2. i don't want you to feel you are the only one who has ever felt self-destructive. i spent most of my life in an emotional hole that felt too deep to dig out of. right now, mike is going through something very similar. i don't know if it is part of our personalities, a symptom of depression or just a quirk we happen to share but please try not to be so hard on yourself okay?

we now return to our not-so-regularly schedule bitching:

if i were an evil criminal i would be elizabeth bathory (not sure i got her first name right)...two peas in an evil-nuturing pod, eh matt? : )

i am doing the best i have ever done regarding holiday shopping this year. i apologise if my gloating irks you...i myself have been annoyed by those who claim to have done all their shopping by august (yeah, right)) but truly, i have only three people left on my list and i already know what i am getting them. i feel so together right now which is a rare feeling for me.

fear not, tavie, for i myself will also be without a couple of presents this weekend thanks to a couple of slow websites and/or sluggish mail. but i will be seeing these two people over new years (yes, i am inviting myself ::grin::) so i'm not too worried about it.

got into a fight with my sister tonight...same shit different day but actually i think we might have hit a place where we can start to progress from the same arguments and misunderstandings, finally. she was never very good at being supportive but she really dropped the ball with me regarding the band fiasco. she had tunnel vision and could only see the things she saw mike doing wrong and wouldn't take into consideration that other people were fucking up too, and much more destructively (well, besides me...she could see my fuck-ups, real or imagined, very clearly and never failed pointing them out). there is still bullshit going on with the band that she is dragging me into and blaming me, at least partially, for and i have emotionally washed my hands of the whole thing.

if anyone cares to respond, i'd like to get some objective opinions on a particularly sticky issue. while in the band, we recorded a CD that due to severe miscalculations and a refusal to listen on scott's part, unbeknownst to us until we finished, cost a small fortune. jana put the expense on her credit card and we split it up five ways to be paid directly to jana. i became sporadic in my payments a while after mike moved in because money got tight after he was laid off. as of the time i was fired from the band, i still owed a little under $200. particularly because of the way i was fired and (and i know i'm being emotional about this) since the CD can no longer be used since i sing over half the vocals and they said they were going to redo it anyway, while ignoring concrete law and small claims court-type scenarios, do i really owe them the rest of the money? would any of you pay it if in the same situation?

my sister enlightened me to the fact that when i stormed over to scott's house and demanded the PA back (i had paid for 70% of it and they weren't going to be using it anyway) jana was "hurt" by that. well, i'll gladly give the PA back if i can ram the various pieces up various parts of their anatomy. :::pause::: do i still sound a little bitter? : P

i'm sorry for the continued ranting on this subject. closure is hard to come by when you can't find out why you lost four people you thought were friends.

but i have *at least* 5 people i KNOW are my friends and i will be seeing them very soon. mint manor is becoming my "safe place", a completely bullshit-free zone where no one is less than wonderful.

a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 23:59