tavie.com

We just showed Steve the video of the sheep signing and it made me really depressed because I was at least twenty pounds lighter then than I am now, and I wasn't no damn lightweight then.

FUCK FUCK FUCK IT ALL TO GODDAMN HELL, FUCK IT.

But on a brighter note, Mark is so damn cute.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:39 PM | shower me with attention

I jumped on to blog as Gina was rewinding The Wrong Guy for Steve, who has never seen it (!!!!) and I'm glad I did, because I saw THIS posted at Kitanaland.

Oh. My. God. Feathers everywhere. If Mark were any cuter, they would have to make up a new word to describe him. Jesus.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:31 PM | shower me with attention

Steve's accent is so cute. I've met him before but I'd forgotten.

I just had to blog that. They're watching the pilot now and Gina is threatening to beat me if I don't get off the computer so I'd better go, because we got comp'ny and it wouldn't be nice if she came over and starting beating me.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:20 PM | shower me with attention

Atlanta Steve will be here any minute!!!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 11:08 AM | shower me with attention

Friday, September 28, 2001

I've felt sick and nauseous since lunch. It's a cold day so I got soup. The soup guy was conversing with someone about choices, and brought up the choice of burning to death or jumping from a very high floor. When I sat down to eat I couldn't stop thinking about it and almost had some sort of nervous episode. I didn't. But I feel sick and nauseous and my head hurts and I want to go home and sleep, except I'll probably have those dreams again, so there really is no place to go, which was pretty much the thrust of my nightmare anyway, so I'm basically living a nightmare. And that smell isn't helping my stomach.

Back to work.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:21 PM | shower me with attention

The first person to make this page into some sort of blog template for me so I can update la shrine at my convenience gets a cookie. Oatmeal raisin. The good kind from Trader Joe's.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:23 PM | shower me with attention

It is a freaking icebox in here.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:21 PM | shower me with attention

I wish I was in England having tea with Asti.
I wish I was playing video games with Andrew.
I wish I was playing hangman with Terry.
I wish I was shopping at the Mall of America with Jerry.
I wish I was rolling my eyes at Gabe's theatrics.
I wish I was watching It with Steph. Either one.
I wish I was at a Squeeze concert with Nina.
I wish I was painting sneakers with Tea Rose.
I wish I was watching Twitch City with Tommy.
I wish I was in a kitchen hugging Rynn.
I wish I was at the Shaman's Drum with Ade.
I wish I was at the movies with Richard.
I wish I was watching bad tv specials with Chris.
I wish I was playing pirates with *be and C*dy.
I wish I was listening to music with Robert.
I wish I was watching The Point with Bob.
I wish I was watching The Point with sarah c.
I wish I was performing impromptu mime on a Paris balcony with Aggie.
I wish I was knitting with Linn.
I wish I was singing "Superball" with Cheryl.
I wish I was painting my nails with Kitana.
I wish I was playing Sims with Gina.
I wish I was watching Freaks and Geeks with erin.
I wish I was in a Saved by the Bell chat room with sarah.
I wish I was eating muscadines with Steve.
I wish I was watching Gilmore Girls with Goose.
I wish I was harmonizing with Matt.
I wish I was harmonizing with Kirsten.

I wish, I wish, I hadn't ate that fish. -Homer Simpson

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:34 AM | shower me with attention

This just over the intercom:

May I have your attention please. May I have your attention please. Any odours you may be experiencing inside the building are coming from the World Trade Center site. We have gone to recirculating inside air and there is no need for concern. Thank you.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:27 AM | shower me with attention

Where is my coffee guy? Today I had to buy it from the overpriced place in the lobby. And where is my Village Voice? Why police barriers where the newspaper boxes used to be?

Wall Street is particularly smelly this morning. More people walking around with surgical masks on; more Con Ed workers; more army guys with gas masks dangling around their necks. Even I, with my terrible sense of smell, catch a whiff of something stinky.

Bad sleep last night. More and more tired when I go to bed each night, and less and less able to fall asleep. Last night my heart wouldn't stop beating fast. Can you beat that? What's that about? Lying safe in my bed and I'm having damn heart palpitations? Finally fell asleep and dreamed horrible nightmares, so horrible it took me awhile to remember them when I woke up. (But I had to try and remember them, you know, or else I'd be walking around all day with just a vague memory of something indefinably awful. At least these are definably awful, and therefore dismissable.)

Slept late, got here 15 minues late and still before my coworkers arrived.

Tired. Want to go to Mint Manor right now and play with my Sims.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:23 AM | shower me with attention

Thursday, September 27, 2001

I'm sitting here at work, supposed to be working. I am taking a break from my monotonous number-punching and reading blogs. I read Jessica's list of Celebrities' Possible Favourite Foods. It is very, very quiet in this office. I start to snicker. I try desperately to muffle it. I regain control; look back up at the list; now every item I read brings on fresh giggling. And I don't know anyone here well enough for them to ask me what I'm laughing at, so basically I look like a big old fool.

Gonna git you, sucka.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:19 PM | shower me with attention

Oh my god. I would like to apologize for this post. Let us never speak of it. I should have known that going to school, getting a job, getting out of bed and dressed every morning, and doing what I'm supposed to do in a daily capacity would make me all uppity and start worrying about my function in society. Sheesh. Remember your mantra, girl: low expectations, low expectations, low expectations...

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:20 AM | shower me with attention

So I get here 20 minutes early today and it's completely different. All of the Village Voice boxes seem to have been moved to some top secret, undisclosed location, and the cart I usually get my coffee from is nowhere to be seen. This is what happens when you come in early? No newspaper, no coffee? Screw this, I'm sleeping in tomorrow.

(I went and got my coffee at McDonald's, for chrissake.)

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:07 AM | shower me with attention

But why no sleep? Was so tired. Too many thoughts.

I know what I am. I am sugar-free Jell-O�. Sweet. Yielding. Insubstantial. Bright. Monochrome. Transparent. Bland. Cheap. Sweet. Sweet.

I love. I'm good. I don't do anything. I love. I don't contribute. I'm not as sharp as some. I'm not as dull as some. What's my worth? Why not luxuriate in self-loathing? Is this masochism? Poke at the bruise of my consciousness all night instead of sleeping? Ooh, you're so terrible. Ooh, you're so worthless. Ooh, you're so fat. Ooh, you're so stupid. Can't think clearly. Can't see clearly. Never saw clearly. Never thought clearly. And do I really love? Is love just feeling, or is it feeling and doing? If I can't even love, what is there????

Yes, yes, yes, but, but, but, and, and, and.

I'm miles of numb flesh surrounding a tiny, flickering core.

I'm miles of numb metaphors surrounding a tiny, flickering intellect.

Jell-O�.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:06 AM | shower me with attention

Wednesday, September 26, 2001

I'll tell you why your dream is very, very amusing: my sister, my twin sister (who, okay, looks nothing at all like me, but still, it sound good for the purposes of this explanation), hates Mayim Bialik and is very sensitive because when she was younger she was always told that she looked like "the girl who plays Blossom". So the fact that you'd have a dream about me being her is very amusing to me, indeed.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:22 PM | shower me with attention

There has been no new work for two hours now. I am so bored I am now searching Google for all usenet postings with the word "tavie" that aren't from the holy triumvirate. Some, but few suprises. There was a thread in alt.tv.frasier in February of this year in which people who used to post to the newsgroup are, for some reason, discussing me. Some person who read the newsgroup back when I first started posting said she never believed I actually found Dave's house when I visited Toronto in '96; another person asked if the first person had seen any KITH shows during the tour and added "Tavie attended 24", to which the first person replied "Wow, she's loosing [sic] her touch". Wow, catty.
Even more amusing, however, is the message in alt.tv.friends from someone who can't understand why people make up fake names as posting handles, such as "Gargoyle" or "Mountain Man" or "Tavie".

Hee. Must be another Tavie. I don't think I've ever posted to alt.tv.friends. (No, I'm not going to find out. I don't want to know.)

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:19 PM | shower me with attention

How do I go about becoming a productive citizen of this world? I am too comfortable, too well fed, too well off. Even in these terrifying times of threats of destruction and chaos, I am too secure in my own place in society. What if I were to lose that? Isn't it wrong that so many of us eat steak every night when half the world is starving? Why don't we make decisions based on what would give everyone the minimum they need to get along? Why has our minimum become so high? Why are we so selfish? If we don't see it, does it not exist? Will we ever be able to make decisions, blind of knowledge of our status, in a way that would benefit the most people? What use is it to ask these questions, when I am so enmeshed in a society that is comfortable leaving them as they are? Why is my mouth so salty right now?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:08 PM | shower me with attention

I could not have more enthusiasm for this "Winter's on the Wing" song. It is most beautiful, most beautifully sung, and in singing along I think I am acquiring a faintly passable Yorkshire accent. However, I would like to inform whoever wrote the laughable liner notes for this mostly laughable CD that some trumpets and panflutes do not a "rock anthem" make.

I wish everyone in this office would just leave so I could rip these headphones off and practice my Yorkshire accent.

Stand and bree' et all a' daaaaay....

Why are you in Tavie's head? 12:32 PM | shower me with attention

Just why the hell is this site among my site referrals???

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:29 AM | shower me with attention

Tuesday, September 25, 2001

Can anyone teach me how to juggle?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:57 PM | shower me with attention

Have I mentioned that I'm afraid to go look out the window? The view outside the window is what I keep seeing when I try to sleep at night. I'm glad my cubicle faces the opposite wall.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:41 PM | shower me with attention

This just over the office intercom:

The city of New York has advised that there will be localized blasting along the site of ground zero. The blasting will last until approximately 4'oclock. The sound of the blast will be minimal and will not interfere with normal operations. Repeat...

Wacky.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:40 PM | shower me with attention

Someone just plopped something down on my desk and said "Here, take a stressball. Take as many as you want, we got a whole box full of 'em."

On closer inspection, it turns out to be a green balloon filled with sand. Printed on the ballon:

Shaping the future... pursuers of the possible
-All of my job responsibilties were completed accurately, timely, and thoroughly.
-I have informed my supervisor of all control issues and concerns.
-My internal and external clients received the same level of service excellence from me.
-I am proud of what I accomplised today.
[company name deleted] Control Awareness

Well, then.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:28 PM | shower me with attention

I think they're throwing a Goofy Ball around behind me, seriously.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:15 PM | shower me with attention

At ten am this morning I got the call, and now I'm back at work. It's quiet here. It's okay. Jason isn't back yet. Alex is. She was glad to see me. So was my supervisor, Theresa.

It was hell getting here with the fucked-up subways. I'm going to be late to class today trying to figure out how to get to school from here. May I just say that Broadway-Fulton-Nassau is the most hot, humid, long, large, disgusting, fucked-up subway station in the world? Because it is.

Also, as a musical, "The Secret Garden" pretty much sucks. There are, I think, maybe two decent songs on it, and both are sung by Dickon. Anyway. If I listen to Mandy Patinkin stretch out the word "love" one more time, I'll use this CD as a ninja throwing star.

I have decided I need a Hedwig Super-Compilation, consisting of the best songs from each of the various soundtracks. I don't know who's going to burn it for me, since my burner is now an attractive purple dust-gatherer, but someone will, I'm sure. This will be the playlist, I think:

1. Tear Me Down (OCR)
2. Origin of Love (OCR)
3. Random Number Generation
4. Sugar Daddy (OCR)
5. Angry Inch (OCR)
6. Wig in a Box (Soundtrack)
7. Wicked Little Town (OCR)
8. Nailed
9. Freaks
10. In Your Arms Tonight
11. The Long Grift (OCR)
12. Hedwig's Lament (OCR)
13. Exquisit Corpse (OCR)
14. Wicked Little Town Reprise (Soundtrack)
15. Midnight Radio Hedwig's Lament (OCR)

Thoughts?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:43 PM | shower me with attention

Monday, September 24, 2001

The last psychology class that we had was on Monday, September 10th. There was to have been a test review on Wedneday the 12th, but that, of course, didn't happen. The next week there were no classes because of Jewish holidays. Today was the first class since Monday the 10th.

We had a fucking test.

That bastard.

No one was prepared. No one studied. There's an off chance I may have passed due to about 2/3rds of the questions being self-explanatory or whatever, but I may be thinking wishfully.

Actually, I couldn't care less. I really couldn't. Fuck psychology. It was supposed to be a throwaway class, an easy grade, but nothing seems to be going as planned lately. Whatever.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:44 PM | shower me with attention

So, apparently I've been a JCM fan for years and not known it; years ago my sister's friend sent her a mix tape. Included on the tape was a song called "Winter's on the Wing", from the early 90's Broadway musical "The Secret Garden". It's a beautiful song, sung by the nature-lovin' Yorkshire lad Dickon, played by the exquisite John Cameron Mitchell. We listened to it often.

Later on (or was it earlier?) I saw the musical, which was significant in that we had second row seats and it was the first time I'd ever seen a show from so close, but insignificant in that the role of Dickon, at that time, was played by the nerdy older cousin from "Home Alone"; not Kieran Culkin, but the geek in that scene in Buzz's room who is so awed by the tarantula. Yeah, not too impressive. (Actually, I recall him being quite good in the role, but 'tweren't no JCM!)

Just got the CD of the OCR to "The Secret Garden" from a guy on ebay. I was skeptical because the seller was one "G. Wankoff", but Mr. Wankoff delivered the goods. I'm listening to JCM's rich Yorkshire vocals right now.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:32 PM | shower me with attention

There's this part at the end of Hedwig where the main character goes crazy at a concert she's giving and starts ripping her clothes off and bashing her guitar to pieces. With each bash, a significant image from a significant episode of her life flashes across the screen.

I feel like that right now. I'm not singing, I'm not rocking, I'm not tearing tomatoes out of my bra and screaming that I'm "all sewn up", but my thoughts feel like:

bash One way God said to get to Heaven Jesus is the only way bash I don't want to get on the schoolbus bash Don't go don't leave me here bash Newsies is the best movie in the whole wide world bash But yield, those who will, to their separation/ my object in living is to unite/ my avocation and my vocation/ as my two eyes make one in sight bash Did you take your chemistry midterm? Did you go? bash Oh, I thought you said "Merica" as in "A-Merica" bash and when they light up our town all I think's "what a waste of gunpowder and sky" bash heat in my hand I am alive bash with a little help from my friends with a little help from bash crashed into the World Trade bash

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:41 AM | shower me with attention

Sunday, September 23, 2001

You know who I am? I'm Princess Awesome.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:09 PM | shower me with attention

Oh my goodness! You got an El Vez hug, too? How delicious!
Some day my Kitling and I will see an El Vez show together, I hope.

Well, I'm still at Mint Manor, eating bean dip and watching specials about Late Night on NBC. Cozy. Cozy and fragrant.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:48 PM | shower me with attention

How is it possible not to be a fan of this guy? Witness his latest exposition:

Abercrombie & Fitch presents the former, where the man is inspired by the handsome, young boys' boisterous display so that he wants to join them in their nudity and in their quest for heterosexual sex...

But my favourite part is:

while the men are the object of the girls' (and the viewer's) lustful gaze, they retain their oppressive manliness...

I love the phrase oppressive manliness. I will try to use it often.
"Get your oppressive manliness out of my face!"
"You just take your oppressive manliness elsewhere!"
"Bring that oppressive manliness of yours over here..."

He's back, and his keyboard's blazing! I could read his scholarly papers all night. He should compile them; The Schni Scholar? MattJournal? The Pink Pen? Hm, no. Oh! I know! It would be called: Oppressive Manliness.

Yes!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:23 PM | shower me with attention