i think i'm having a "delayed reaction" to the national situation. i cried for the first time during the telethon last night and it was strange...having such an emotional outpouring at a time that seemed so long after the fact. but i guess that's always been my way - steely strong and personally distanced in case i am needed by others for the purpose of consoling, decision-making, etc., and then later i fall apart. i discovered this tendency when i worked at a hospital in an intensive care unit. in a "chaotic" situation i could prioritize things that needed to be done, manage to perform "extra" duties and keep a "together" demeanor. one time there was a young man who came in who was the same age as my then-boyfriend. he was involved in a trauma that left him brain-dead and he coded at least twice that night. when the parents came in, they were in denial and loudly pleaded with him to "just open your eyes" or "squeeze my hand". i finished my shift and instead of going directly home i arrived at my boyfriend's unannounced. when he opened the door i collasped in his arms in tears. this seems to be my trend. after much viewing and reflecting, i realized i have reached my saturation point for sad stories and pointlessness right now, even when it is not related to this tragedy. i can't even seem to flip channels anymore. today i stopped on vh-1 and caught part of behind the music on blind melon, of course right at the part when they tell the story of shannon hoon's death. i felt both physically and mentally sick. i can't take any more sorrow...not for a while.

it may not be for a week but i was cheered up some when i found out "hedwig" will finally start playing in rhode island at one of providence's art houses. yay, next week i will have a very pleasant diversion from sorrow and mike will finally get to see the movie behind the soundtrack he has heard so much of he can sing along to parts : )

mike echoed my un-verbalized sentiments when he stated today that he wished we were in new york again. i can't say, however, that his are the same reasons as mine, although i know he now loves my friends (though not as much as i do...not possible ::grin::). but maybe i can go again after my sad period has passed. i don't know why but it would bother me greatly to fall apart with my friends. i know it would be normal and maybe even cathartic; however, that is not comfortable for me. i have developed a need to be the strong one, the one who comforts when others are sad, the one who says stoic while others cry and the one who keeps a clear head while others fall apart. i have to wait until i don't feel on the verge of tears constantly. hopefully, that time will be soon.

a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 20:34