tavie.com

I feel better. I shall go to meet Goose and Goose's Matt (I will just call him Matt for short, in person) and we shall see a movie. Then I shall go to Mint Manor and study for my soc exam in front of the fireplace. I feel it too warm for a fire, but it's still nice in front of the fireplace.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:00 PM | shower me with attention

For some reason my post about Steph making me cry again and how I slept instead of going to Mint Manor last night disappeared. That sucks.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:05 PM | shower me with attention

Please, I am not whining: I am documenting.
--
I feel very heavy and tired and slow, as if I am made of cannonballs and sandbags and swimming pools full of gelatin.

I can't remember if I took my Gleemonex today or not. I'm afraid to take it just in case. Better to overdose or underdose?

When I'm lying down I feel restless and quaky. When I'm standing I feel dizzy and sort of sleepy and nauseous.

I fell asleep again last night at 4 am, by imagining all sorts of disgusting, painless but bloody things. I feel very, very heavy, especially around the chin and neck, which is normal for me after I've eaten badly. I fell asleep by imagining things like carving knives carving blubber off like in "Moby Dick", and roasting on a spit until the fat drains off, liquid. I imagine these things in a very emotionless, intellectual and perverse sort of way. The images are very vivid; there's blood and oozing, and skin blistering and burning and cracking. I suppose I'm some sort of roast pig in them. Where is this coming from? In my head, I'm white dough and dark brown shadow-circles for eyes.

While I was asleep I dreamt I was on a subway with my sister and two guys walked through the car; one was dressed as a brown chicken and one was dressed as an egg. I called after them, "Hey, which of you guys came first?" and laughed at my joke. The chicken turned around and pulled out a gun and pointed it at me. I woke up with the "My Little Ponies" theme song in my head.

I want to sleep all the time, and the thought of going out is exhausting. I sleep so much I get restless but still can't think of going out. This is bad. I should be at Mint Manor right now. Why is this happening? The weather? Gavin said it's the weather that makes people go insane and declare personal bankruptcy...

Why are you in Tavie's head? 12:57 PM | shower me with attention

Friday, March 16, 2001

I don't think Betty Boop cartoons are ever appropriate, in any context.

I went to the Louvre once. Erica and Steph-not-internet-Steph and my sister were there and we sang the Terrier song outside it.

I think Willis was a lot cuter than Arnold on Diff'rent Strokes. Arnold's cuteness is exagerrated to the point of distortion; Willis looks sweet and sparkly-eyed.

I don't know but I know that I like this Belle and Sebastian stuff.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 10:38 AM | shower me with attention

Linn says she sees a resemblance between Elfquest's Timmain and Aimee.

Yeah, I guess there's something there.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:26 AM | shower me with attention

I love any man who can use the phrase "sweet, sweet ass" and "iconoclastic syntax" in the same sentence.

::fluttery sigh::

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:00 AM | shower me with attention

Kitana finally updated, and all I have to say is, AMEN, AMEN, AMEN on the More Photography from Foley, and I also want Mark the Cop on the wall. (I don't know, I think the Jesus imagery might appeal to him. {g})

I'm watching Gypsy. Rosalind Russell, now SHE was a Diva.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 3:58 AM | shower me with attention

Thursday, March 15, 2001

Oh, hey. I get really excited by coincidences. Today, the sister met me after school and accompanied me to Brooklyn to get a prescription refilled. As we were going down into the subway, I saw a girl hunched over a bench reading a textbook. I was still thinking about seeing Aimee in my textbook this morning and glanced down at her page.

She was reading the sociology textbook. It was open to the Aimee page.

I ask you, what are the odds of this happening? It's not a terribly enormous class, and that textbook has a LOT of pages, and there were a LOT of people in that subway station. What are the odds???

Kirsten refused to be excited by this cosmic coincidence. Dagnabbit.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:32 PM | shower me with attention

I've a splinter in my big toe. It's almost more uncomfortable to get my foot in a suitable extraction position than actually having the splinter stuck in there.

But... irritated. Ow. Irritated.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:28 PM | shower me with attention

My badly written, self-indulgent bio is up. If you're looking at it from Internet Explorer, I pity you very much, for it looks bloody awful from there.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 11:12 AM | shower me with attention

I am also reminded that I have never seen Mr Smith Goes to Washington. This must be remedied. Of course that leads me to "Mr Harris". (Everything leads me to a Mann or Penn song.)

His hair is white but he looks half his age.
He looks like Jimmy Stewart in his younger days...

Is there one single entry in this thing that doesn't refer to Aimee or Michael in some way? Jesus Christ on a bike.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:54 AM | shower me with attention

I am really becoming addicted to The West Wing. Last night's episode was so good. I think it's the best one I've ever seen. It was called "The Stackhouse Filibuster". Isn't that the best name? I love the word filibuster. I kept thinking of the opening lines to my favourite Michael Penn song:
Filibust and hesitate
You say I procrastinate
That your heart beats second-rate
To one you'll recognize.

I'm really not sure what the song's about, but I love the words in it. It's called "All That That Implies" and the lyrics are just glorious.

This Sumatran coffee is really good. I love strong coffee. I actually had to put milk in this stuff, it's so strong.

Filibuster, filibuster, filibuster.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:52 AM | shower me with attention

Oh, I can't stand it! This is too funny not to share, and there's no one around to share it with! There is a picture of Aimee in my sociology textbook. I'm sitting here trying to study for my midterm and reading the bit on postmodernism, and I notice the picture on the page of a woman with punky hair on some steps standing next to a businessman-type. I peer closer, and I see it's a still from the Voices Carry video! Hoo hoo hee hee hee that's funny! The caption underneath reads:
"According to postmodernist theories, styles of dress and grooming and preferences for particular lifestyles and tastes in music will become ever more diverse. At the same time. there will be less and less consensus on what the norms of society should be."

I LOVE it. Aimee as an example of postmodernism! I'm so tickled by this I don't want to go back to studying. But I will. {g}

Why are you in Tavie's head? 7:35 AM | shower me with attention

You know what else I love about Backfire? Glenn Tilbrook on background vocals.

Aimee has the best taste in friends, does she not?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 12:08 AM | shower me with attention

Goose reminds me, there's a kid that looks like the kid from "Little Man Tate" in my anthropology class. I don't know why he would be going to Hunter, though. Doesn't he have strings to pull at Yale? So, whatever.

I should study or something.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 12:01 AM | shower me with attention

Tuesday, March 13, 2001

Today is a The Wiz day. One thing I love about Gina is her appreciation for fine musicals such as The Wiz. One of my favourite Tour Memories is when she let me listen to it in the Sex Van.

... and I'm Wizzin'...

...I packed up my clothes and I packed up my power
I'm leavin' this place in less than one half an hour
If you look up in the sky, you know just who it is
It's not a bird, it's not a plane, it's just a little ole Wiz!

My favourite part of that song is the fact that they manage to work in the phrase "Wiz on hisself".

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:45 AM | shower me with attention

All these "Octavia St"'s and "Octavia Pl"'s and filmmakers named Octavio and no one will steal me one! What kind of friends are you?! All I want is one sign-- one act of vandalism, or one Latin American filmmaker to hang up on the wall in my room!

Sheesh!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:40 AM | shower me with attention

I just came across the notebook I used for Italian Renaissance and Writing during my freshman semester. It is very pleasing for me to look upon. I am so pleased by this particular bit that I scanned it:

I don't know why it pleases me; it just does.
Also in this notebook is the ORIGINAL version of the poem I wrote for Linn back when she was JUST an entity on alt.davelove. (Ooooooh!) I think I shall show it to her when I come over this weekend.

There's also a NewsRadio stream-of-consciousness poem that I am in love with. I won't bore you with it here, I just want to say that I love Freshman Tavie. {g}

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:38 AM | shower me with attention

Finally, my first proposal from a gosh-darn homosexual man. I am truly on the road to divahood! O dear sweet Goose's Matt!

My former secret girlfriend has promised a hug. Therefore, my pathetic angst shall be all worth it, as I watch her try not to bounce away!

And my dear Kitana, who, if I were in Toronto now, would accompany me to the library where we would search diligently for hours through the stacks (computers are for sissies!) for references to the historical development of gay and lesbian culture in Canada.

Only 5 1/2 pages to go on that Wuthering Heights paper.

I am comforted by everyone else's academic struggle. I feel a part of a community, where we are all spatially separated but spiritually united by our need to toil for a deadline. O, the shared woes of studenthood! How like a real live person I feel!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:37 AM | shower me with attention

Monday, March 12, 2001

Holy crap, Tara!

Not only did I listen to my Rufus Wainright CD for the second time EVER today, you said THIS:

i was imagining my dream life, where
people would break out into song and dance at the drop of a hat,

THAT'S THE DREAM!
THAT'S THE DREAM!!!!!!

I literally have fantasies-- recurring fantasies-- about walking down the street and people bursting into song. Like in a musical. And we all sing together in counterpoint. And it's wonderful.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:26 PM | shower me with attention

Well, I'm near tears and exhausted from my odd starting-at-5-a.m. day. I didn't eat all day, for some reason, not feeling at all hungry (which is a rare state, indeed) and felt warm and exhausted and queasy and just sort of pale all day. But now I'm better. I have chicken salad, I have tunes, I have my work organized and ready to be tackled, and most of all, I have my Toronto contigent. Both and all of them. And so the tears which are not quite here are from relief and gratitude.

I wish you believed in life
Believed in fate
Believed you were lucky and worth the wait
'Cause life could be lovely.
Life could be so great.

serra is such a smart cookie. I can't wait to meet her. I must get myself a copy if Impro for Storytellers. I've been meaning to since Erica told me about it.

Funny Kitana should mention goblins and wizards, as my life has indeed been chock full of both.

Okay, time to write the same old English paper about Wuthering Heights. I wonder how many times I'm going to have to explain this book to the hapless professors who keep assigning it. {g}

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:15 PM | shower me with attention

My mom dropped this into my lap this morning.

Betsey Johnson seems to me to be some species of Muppet.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:28 AM | shower me with attention

Check it. Can I poach html or what? Way to go, me.

Don't look at it from AOL, AOL doesn't like me and hides the images.

Oh, fucking hell. Don't look at it from IE, either. I'm a LOUSY html poacher, come to think of it. It looks great from Netscape and horrible from IE; the front page looks great from IE and horrible from Netscape. Why
do things have to be all different like that? Why can't every browser just look the same?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 9:17 AM | shower me with attention

Once, upon a midnight dreary
as I pondered weak and weary
over a quaint and curious volume of forgotten Tour,
while I nodded, hardly napping,
suddenly there came a rapping
(not like Snoop's, but more a tapping)
and a frighteningly familiar voice now issued in a roar:
"Fatty fatty, two by four
can't get through the kitchen door!"

Angrily, I flung the shutter
and, with a many flirt and flutter
In stepped a Stately Tavie of the saintly days of Tour.
With fearful countenance did she
dash the Tourbook from my knee
and, with mien of svelter lady
did she sit upon the floor.

"Fatty-fatty, two by four,
Can't get through the kitchen door!"

And, having thus spoken plainly
I suddenly felt quite ungainly,
hulking flesh and sagging body fed from snack food from the store.
I entreated, "Stately Tavie!
Only you, alone, can save me!
Tell me how I can return again as I once was before!
How can I become the Tavie that had flourished on the Tour?"
Quoth the Tavie,
"Nevermore."

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:38 AM | shower me with attention

I think "Backfire" is about HIM too. I just think it is. I don't have to guts to actually FIND OUT, but I just have this feeling; don't you?

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:14 AM | shower me with attention

It is unfortunate that I happened to read this post of Goose's Matt just as Aimee sang
So I'm bailing this town
or tearing it down
or probably more like hanging around

for it served to reinforce the fact that instead of doing anything whatsoever productive this week like living out Great Gatsby-esque fantasies in front of gorgeous sunsets, I did nothing but forget to change my pajamas and get fatter and fatter.

I'm sweating in places you don't even have on your body right now. (Actually, this is not true. It is cold in here.)

Other things that make me depressed: Goose not coming to Toronto.
The fact that I'm all worked up over a 6-page EASY English paper (like, grade-school easy) and some unread anthro assignments, when high school kids have about a thousand times more, and more difficult homework to do, as do my so-called peers. They have valid complaints. I do not.

Must stop looking at Tour pictures. If it's possible, and you know it is, I weigh twice as much now as I did then. And I wasn't a lightweight then.

Blah blah blah, shut up, moron. ::makes sarcastic jerk-off motions in the air::

Why are you in Tavie's head? 5:13 AM | shower me with attention

Sunday, March 11, 2001

When I was 14, I went to an eye doctor in Astoria and he prescribed me reading glasses. I never wore them because I can read without them, and consequently they were lost.

My mom just found them in her room and I'm wearing them now, to try it out. I find I get a lot of headaches lately, and I blame the computer. But I have more trouble reading distant things like signs.

Anyhow, I have now become that sexiest of all creatures, the Fat Girl with Glasses.

I expect the dates to come lining up now. Come and get me!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 8:56 AM | shower me with attention

Should I tape over Conan's SNL appearance?

Sadly I fear that I should.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:32 AM | shower me with attention

I get to see Goose's Matt next Saturday. This is exciting news, as I am a fan.
(Being a fan may be my One Great Talent in this world, so I may as well use it. {g})

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:29 AM | shower me with attention

Gleebs, I love Waltz #2, too. It reminds me that I want to get an Elliot Smith CD and never have. Time for a little half.com time, I guess. Although it's worth it less and less lately...

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:26 AM | shower me with attention

So, my friend Steph never called back. I guess she was at her grandmother's. I wonder if she ever called Erica either. I thought we were going to get to SEE her this time around. What happened? We all flaked?
I haven't been outside since Tuesday (shhh) and I'm bummed out at the wasted weekend. I could've been at Mint Manor or gone to see TMBG with erin or something.
I haven't even started my English paper that's due Thursday. I just don't want to.

But in happy news, I DID solve the Sunday Times acrostic all by myself. The second one ever completed in my life. So there.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:23 AM | shower me with attention

Well, thank god for Kitana's blog entries, else I'd never have ANY Aimee news at all. (Maybe if I READ those Mannlist posts once in awhile... {g})
How cute are these two? They're one of my two favourite couples, EVER. I want to just marry BOTH of them. {g}

Don't be depressed, sweet Kitana. The clouds will soon pass, the sun will come out tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. Be reassured!

Why are you in Tavie's head? 6:15 AM | shower me with attention