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I loved it.

Gayest movie ever.

Okay. I came into this movie without having read the book, with only vague notions of the characters and almost no idea whatsoever of the plot. A few vague memories of images from the Bakshi cartoon, seen years and years ago, was all the preparation I had going in.

So, please-- well, first of all: I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I went in unencumbered by expectations, and left delighted. It was gorgeous and thrilling and it made me cry and it made me laugh and was full of beautiful people and scenery and if there was too little character development it was only because it was so crowded with suspenseful, nail-biting plot.

Second of all: Gonna be spoilers. Don't read any more if'n you, like me, don't know anything about the story.

Now.

Did Tolkein have issues with women, or is it Peter Jackson, or what? There was so much castration imagery, and so many frightening fiery vaginas, and the only two women were a boy in a dress and a sinister mother-type shrouded in mystery ("mystery" being represented cinematically by very pretty silver light.)

What was with the trees--giant, phallic TREES, eh? nudge, nudge-- being pushed down-- PUSHED DOWN, eh? nudge, nudge-- by men so threatened by the idea of a finger penetrating the orifice of a ring and unleashing all the powers of evil? Come on, Jackson even gave us a nice little jokey clue right near the beginning with a broken carrot gag. What "evil" is being represented, do you think?

What was with the flashes of evil, seen through Gandalf's mind, being represented by blatant vaginal imagery? They looked like Georgia O'Keefe paintings. Oh my holy good lord, every time one of those came on I started laughing. Ask Kitana, she kept nudging me. Big giant fiery vaginas, and then close-up of frightened old man, clutching his crook!

By the way, if you know someone who doesn't know what's going to happen, don't tell them. I had no idea SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER that Gandalf was going to plunge into the flaming pit, and I was so shocked that my eyes just gushed full of tears. Just like that, woosh. It was incredible. Shocked. Shocked.

And, okay, what? No women in Rivendell? Okay, boys, let's all band together and fly off into the woods to do manly things like penetrate sticky monsters with our big, frightening swords! Oh-ho-ho!

Okay, I'm being a silly ass, but I was just so tickled by it all. I can't believe it ended there. I will DIE if I don't find out what happens next-- and I'm NOT reading the book and risking missing another rush of emotion like the one I got with Gandalf. (How could he? How could he???)

Damn, that movie ruled. Can't wait for the sequel. How could they end it with Huck and Jim-- er, sorry, I mean Bill and Matthew-- no, wait, wrong again-- with Frodo and Sam floating down the river towards dooooooom? (Gina thoroughly undid me at the end by leaning over and whispering, "Fixing for another homoerotic adventure on the Big Muddy!")

I'm done now, gotta go to bed.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:09 AM | shower me with attention