Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Okay here it is my life sucks right now.....I need to get a better job and i need to finish my damn masters and find a job that I am qualified for. I swear sometime i just don't know where my life is going... I woulnder who the hell ever reads this crap. I wonder if Aggie ever reads this stuff. aggie you know where I am try to reach me if you can. I need to get some kood of life and get ooff of the internet. Yeah thats it...maybe next time

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I have come to the conclusion that all men should suck my imaginary dick. Thank you

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Holy shit balls what a day that I had today. Well lets start off with a simple start....I works up and took a shower and dressed in nice clean clothes was supposed to take the van for its state inspection. So I'm ready to go and I can't find my wallet. Lets run down the contents of my wallet....ummm my whole life is in there including cash and well little things like my drivers license and registration. So Im going absolutely nuts...And tearing apart the house and then I have a flash back to Monday night when I thee away the garbage and a little bag that I threw away was a little heavier than usual. ......The phrase Holy shit starts to creep in my head and I think that I threw out my wallet. Long story short I found where my building puts the trash and I went through bags of trash dating back to this past Sunday. And after that I do believe that I should be a contestant on fear factor. Anyway my wallet was in my coat pocket all the time.....Now that what I call idiotic. But I still owe God and Saint Anthony lost of thanks. I will pray thanks later. I miss my little crush....Can not say his name though...This way no one will get tired of me talking about him...Cause I'll only do that here....But I think he needs a nick name. He has a pretty big/ larger than life personality....Kind of quiet....Sometimes...Focused...Very focused...Kind....Lots of strength...But he's not perfect...He messes up his fair share of things. ...I think that Iwill call him my little bull. Yeah that's it...My little bull. I miss my little bull. I haven't seen him in a while. That sucks. I have come to the point that I know that I am going to loose him eventually. He doesn't like he in that kind of way. But I come to the point where its okay to fantasize about him since I know that I have no chance in hell. I have no idea how this typing turned to italics....

Saturday, August 14, 2004

dam damdamdamdamdamdamdamdmadamdamdamdamdamdamdam<> Well here we are campers and I am disparately trying to find a job and all hopes are in the balance till Monday...I got my first rejection notice today.....Thank you very much.....Never been that openly rejected it was surprisingly sobering and I wish it to never happen again. So what's new in life....ahh let me think...Well my cousin lets call her YKCIV is having sex. An now the sign from God that I am officially pathetic had materialized. What the hell am I going to do now. I am officially the last Virgin.....Groovy. I must now make doubly sure that I don't associate with any occult figures..Especially Satanist. They may want my virtues blood for some weird kind of sacrifice. So my 18 year old cousin is having sex with a 24 year old man.......A 24 year old deli counter helper at the A&P...a helper at the A&P and a part time mechanic....With no college degree. Yep that was it that was the kicker.....Oh and if they ever get married she must convert and become a Jew. Not that there is anything wrong with that...But the fact that he never practices his faith but wants her to convert so their kids can be Jewish annoys the shit out of me....Are these not modern times my people!!! Are there not interfaith marriages.....Are we still in the archaic time where we must convert our religion for the love of another. Huh really. I think she's trying to make this fuck buddy more than he really is. He doesn't even call her his girlfriend....to quote YKCIV....."Everyone knows like we're together ya know what I mean.." No NO I don't know what that means. They hang out...he never takes her out on a date date......and they do it in his parents house...oh yeah...his ass still lives with mommy. Okay that's hypocritical so do I but dam it I went to school and worked....I didn't have enough money on my own. This boy has worked full time since he was 18.....And yeah no savings,,,but has plenty of money to burn on his tricked out CAR....AHHHHHHHH. If this is going to be my new bother in law I am going to scream.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I must really be angery with this man im thinking about to want to put a sharp object through the penis of men all over the world. wow...I think I've walked the edge for a while....I think I may have fallen off by now. OH MUST GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD. That wash that man right out of my hair crap doesn't work. Help I am constatnly thinking of a practically married man. this sucks.. im not this kind of slut. help...aaaahhhggg. If he would just call or responde to an email or something it might take this I need a FIX edge off. I hate this. I have to stop the girlfriend doesn't deserve him senerio. it just drives me more nuts. Eh would just be so cool for me...but no. No NO NO he has to belong to some one else and actually love her. this sucks .....have I mentioned that yet.  i don't want this to come out like another devin. He's not..I know him this time. We have a relationship...a friendship...a working friendship. But ..jesus even I don't know anymore....maybe its better just to quit cold turkey and never talk to him again. Maybe thats the answer to quit on him. Just leave and stop making that much more of a fool of myself. Dam't he has to know I sure that i slipped up some where. Telling him is deffinatly not an option. I think the Gilrfriend would actually hunt me down. well I do care...I think what keeps me from tellong him is the fear of his disappointment in me. He would be a good start to a dating pool if he wasn't taken...better than Mike by leaps and bounds anyway. I like Scott Backual Quantum Leap was an awesome show. I should avoid him ,,,but I really want to see him...trying to convince myself that its olay if I see him by "accident"...then it wouldn't be a sin. But it is he's not mine...I sure god is pissed at me for this. One day I ll stop obsessing over men who don't know I exist. i should stop wanting men would don;t want me. I should forget this guy and look forward to the man to come who is meant for me. I think that he lost his way and is looking for directions. Every new man is better than the last...he is certainly better than Devin...And I thought no one would ever be. Maybe the next man will be better that him. Or maybe some of us are just destined to be spinster librarians....I guess that is a rather grim possiblity. Alone. shit...I going to sleep...this is way too depressing. I hate men. Cluleess to the beauty with in of all women even us librarians. More and more Im getting used to being alone. Every year I grow more independent..im affaid I won't look or accept a man in my life..if i continue like this. Its not that men make things better...they don't,,they make it worse. But I like the idea of finding my male equal. I look foreward to meeting my opposite to round out my edges. I would like a man to help balence me out. I need someone i love to call to sweetly call me on my bullshit. I want the yang to go with my yin. I want balence, maybe the right man would inspire me...I understand that romantic love between men and women is a gift from god. all I want is a shot at the prize. i just need to stop thinking of him first.

Confused and furstrated as usual. I really need to get a job but i seem to be in a mental hole. I have to crawl out and be a better person. The diet thing hasn't stuck since the last time i wrote. i went out with friends and said to myself flip it. I just have to get things in oder. all I have to do is make a cover letter and just send the dam thing already. to top it all off I can;t stop thinking of a guy I really want to see. Not devin.....I think im over it. I want to see someone else. I hate that I think of him. Lets do this female puppets...mark your men so we all know that they are taken. men should all be branded like cattle. This way we know they belong to another woman....or to be completely pc another man...this way when their "man " flirts with others....other desprate people like me don't start reading into things. I would like that. We could also develop a mechanism against cheating men.....I call it a prince albert lock of trust...the club for the penis if you will. Basically it will operate like a prince albert...which it basixally as Robin Williams puts is "a bolt through the cock"....I hate the "c" word but I use it when I have to. By the by I was watching a factoid type of show that said Prince Albert actually had a pericing put through his penis...Why? you ask...well aperently Prince Al was fond of being fashionably attired..so to make the suit fit better in "the crotch area" he had a loop put through his penis so he could..if fact...secure his penis to his pants. Well, hope he was hung enough....talk about a nice line huh. Anyway the Price Albert lock would work in a similar way. We women will put a peircing though the penis of our males and secure that peircing to a loop in their pants and underwear. When the loop through the penis met the loop on the clothing a padlock would be on inserted through the holes in the loop fastening the peins to the clothing. The only person to hold the key to the lock would be the woman that they belonged too.  If Medevial society can put a chasity belt on women waiting for their husbands to come home from the crusades...then we make men wear a Prince Albert lock of Trust. It will be like a car security commerical//women buy the prince al...you have the right to secure your ride. Now thats female empowerment.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

now that I have offically embrassed myself in front of the world...this is a common thing...I must say that I have a knack for causing international incidents. Well it was all the truth ..so i guess this will be my personal blog to demonstate to myself how i will become a better person. First I will talk to my oldest friends more.....I might not always be able to see them but I think that talking to them will make me be batter person. My mom just got finished watching mouse hunt.....its a fact she's a loon. I feel better already...maybe i make this a daily thing. sharing my thoughts on my annomous part of the internet. So my first confession is that my thesis is no where near done and I have to do more research and that well I fat and I need to loose weight. NOT SURE HOW TO DO IT I HAVE BEEN FAT FOR OVER A DECADE.....Started gaining weight when i was 12....I was a big kid before then but I wasn't offically fat by medical standards. I was always the tall kid and I come from a big family, but i was always the correct weight for my height.  So now I have to figure out how to loose weight to be healthy and not anorexic. I used to be a big athlete...played volleybal and stuff but now Im too heavy to paly comfortably. I want to start a sensible diet that won't drive me nuts. maybe I'll do that weight watchers points thing.....but get out of paying the evil empire of weight watchers fees. I hate that since when did being fat become a pychotic baptist/AAA meetings. I hate that...I a private person (well up till now) and i hate that idea of people knowing my name and weight and saying stuff like GOOD JOB! GOOD FOR YOU AREN"T YOU HAPPY NOW......yeah yeah I am happy now that I punched in your face you psuedo cheerleader miss america wanna be. I never liked when people congradulated me on my weight loss. They did that in the fat camp I went to ...it was so fake. Can't people say nothing....what about a simple you look good with out adding the fact that hey you lost weight and now you look better. Does this bother anyone else. Is it impossible to say to someone you look wonderful...instead of wow you look great..look how much weight you lost. Speaking as a fat person who sometimes yo-yoed in weight... that when people say wow you lost alot a weight it makes you feel like a circus freak all over again. And it diminishes the person you were before...as if you were alright before..but now your great. I hate that...I really do. Its not fair your the same person only in a different body. Have you ever see those people on trashy talk show with head lines like I was fat and look at me now. Well let me enlighten you they whip out a picture of what they used to look like and everybody for that unadulterated gauk and gasp of the audience. That wonder and discust that all fat people know that come from thin people that "oh my god if i were that fat i'd kill myself look". So these former large people come out all thin and then proceed to bash themselves and the way they looked. Stuff like yeah ...I was a loser and all of the other shit...Is this what is taught to people after they loose weight. I certainly hope not. Well I going to start being healthy....no diet....just healthy. And when I loose weight I will make sure to love to new way I look as well as the way I used to. I spent uears being called a fat pig...when i loose weight why would I want to do that to myself all over again.

Yes there was a male in the picture and his idenity was changed to protect him for he is an innocent...despite the fact that he constantly hit on Kirsten...


so I know I haven't posted in oh...lets say 1 or 2 years but all of the sudden I felt the need to say some things that were on my mind since I can't afford a shrink. My life bothers me. I said it. It does...I need to do things better. I feel really isolated and I miss my friends. I miis the way I use to be and i don't know what happend.  My best freinds have moved on and I feel as if we are all just being ripped apart. I want to see my tavie and kirsten alone to talk...I feel that we haven't really talked in awhile and there are others missing...my erica is missing. Maybe its me...maybe Im loosing touch...the other day..someone asked me how i was and what was new in my life and I actually said nothing. How could I say that....I was lying. The truth is that I don't know where to being...,there are alot of missing peices. I feel so bad..and its not fair...I just wish I was a brick wall. I think that would be easier. Maybe Im just depressed and need a job. A good job and career. I must get off my duff and have one. I want to work in a museum...just me and the dusty relics. I want to finsh my masters degree already I must write my thesis. I want my father back I haven't heard from him in over 6 years....this upsets me...but im affaid of what I will find. I don;t know even if he wants me anymore. can a father stop loving his kid.  I want my family back....I want them all back. Maybe i'll start with Erica. Taive will have to be alittle less pushy in a total reconsile....this takes time...and kirsten a little less cold..when it comes to erica she has grown very cold and its understandable..but it can be very damaging to her soul if anything else...and i will need to talk more too..this time around i'll really have to pay attention to what is going on...I wasn't the last time...and erica will need to grow a backbone and tell her mother and her husband to back off of her friends. Erica will have to actually talk to her friends...more than words this thime aggie. Please speak with words of feeling. Letting your mother rip into tavie a kirsten was really low....thats why I stopped talking to you. If you didn;t want us you should just say so. Im too pissed to write anymore.....I think I have to stage another revolution and bring back Stephie.....Im sick and fucking tired of being the world's door matt. Oh and Tavie.....just because I am a republican or even an independtent doesn't mean I don't know what I stand for and how i think things in this would should be conducted. Asking me if i really understand politics..let alone the politics that I side with is insulting. You are so fond of saying if "I knew you were a republican I would have never have become friends with you"...This hurts me alot...I would have never said such a thing to you.....what you said was hurtful and mean....it has stayed with me awhile and it makes me hurt and angry.....I would have never have said such things to you....I respect you no matter what you are....your sister repsects me and she and i differ on alot of things...i want the same regaurd from you...I want you to return the same respect to me. But dispite it all your my friend and I love you....Happy belated birthday to the two people I celebrate the most...my Tavie and my kirsten....maybe we'll work together on gaining the missing Aggie.  And then I tackle my father and my thesis...i have to grow up and become an adult some time. I going to become a braver person and I going to start with the people who have left me.




Thursday, October 10, 2002

:(.....................DROOL>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I have been a very delinquent blogger. I thought I could go longer then Aggie, but apperently I am too weak. What have I been doing...Well School.....work...library. Thast has been my life. But also this weak so has sneezing, coughing, hacking, spitting up green shit lodged in my lungs, and throat closing tonnsils. Thats been my week and a half acutually. Hummm, well I also got a quais promotion. I have been promoted to a permentant employee. Apart of some part of the vast city infostructure called MET Council. Whast ever that is. This little oomph..we'll call it also involved a slight oomph in my pay check. For eight dollars to nine dollars and eighty cents....apperently I am not worth ten dolars an hour. But the two guys who started...well one with me and the other after me...were promoted to supervisor and assitant supervisor. And I still have to tell them where to put stuff....yep...uhuh.....sure.....well one of them did deserve the supervisor postion....I think I could have taken assiant and the other guy moved to head of the mailroom...instead of the new temp in the mailroom. Then all three of us would be making twelve dollars an hour.... yep...uhuh...sure....it didn't work out that way. Oddly enough I was pissed at first, but now I'm not. They have to deal with some shit and now at five I just go home. Maybe this will work to my advantage. I'm falling behind in school...didn't mean to it just sort of happened. Its this library thing,,,it doesn't like me or my computer password. I'm going to have to take a day off and crack some skulls so I can get back on Track...oh and go see <<>>> GO SEE RED DRAGON. GO SEE IT RIGHT NOW...THAT'S IT ASS OUT OF THE CHAIR..Out THE DOOR..IN THE CAR...TO YOUR LOCAL MOVIE THEATER...OOOPS WATCH OUT THERE BE GUM ON THAT SEAT ME HEARTY (I guess I'm peg leg pete now) SIT BACK AND WATCH THE FILM...LEAVE THE KIDDIES AT HOME THIS MOVIE IS RATED AAAARRRGGG! IT IS THE BEST,,,IT'S THE BEST,,,TAVIE ASK GINA SHE'LL AGREE...IT'S THE BEST GO SE IT NOW...I'M READING THE BOOK AGAIN I LOVE IT SO MUCH...I HATE RALPH FINES BUT I WOULD GIVE IT UP TO HIM NOW...EVEN THOUGH HE A PSYCHO...A VERY VERY VERY BUILT PSYCHO...SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT....RIGHT NOW...GOOD NIGHT. this has been a public service message....love stephie.