Dave's Funniest One-Liners arranged alphabetically by reoccurring character or character type
The Axe Murderer:
"There aren't a lot of women dentists. I don't know why that is. Well, I guess there's one less now, huh?"
"Ohhhh, I'm an *axe* murderer."
The Bad Doctor (and other doctors):
"I figured, how far can you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!"
"Look at this! Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me!"
"I'm not mad. I'm not Mad. I'm not MAD! But, I am going mad so there is a discount."
Befuddled, Silly or Spacey Guys:
"I'm sorry, but, naked, fat, black, crippled, dykes are hard to find."
"I just want a period that's all! Just one a month, okay?!"
"But until that time comes, I shall continue to look to the night sky, until I become drowsy and fall asleep."
"My blood has an odor. That can't be good."
"Gee, I wonder who owns that moon?"
Darker Humor:
"It's easy, son, all you got to be is quiet and willing to do it. ~ And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I've *quiet shoes*!"Businessmen:
"No, pop cans--pop cans, money--money!"
"I get the job--he don't! I get the job--he don't!"
"Come on, lobster! Come on, lobster!"
"Don't blame the clown, Husk!"
Frenchmen (assorted):
"Ah, I see we have here one of my Quebecois brothers!"
"It stinks in here of stupid women and their wondering about Tony; who he is with, what he is doing, what is he thinking of,
is he thinking of them, and will he ever return someday."
"Let that one go, Francois. He has spirit. Some day he may be vice-president."
Hecubus:
"Master, do you *like* 16 year old girls?"
"I am Julio de bus driver, ai ai!"
"I've got your rash cream, master!"
"Owa tana siam. Faster. FASTER!"
As Himself (On the Subject of Me and others):
"My spleen is twice the size of a normal human spleen. This isn't such a big deal now, but when I die, there's going to be a
bidding war."
"If I were stranded on a desert island and could only have one book, record and person, I'd probably... die of exposure."
"I'm the guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!"
"Look, I've used 'quibble' and 'fey'-- I'm the next Tony Randal!"
Describing the experience of trying to take his son out of a toy store to Jay Leno, mimicking his son Ned: "Oh, no, please, SIR! Help! Help!"
"'Thanks for the new brother mummy.' Isn't that just exactly what Satan would say if he were a child?"
"Follow this ASS!"
Sarcasm and Dry Wit:
"Just resting up for that big sale at...Baby GAP!"
"I'm just no good at small talk, ya prick."
"I may not be able to hear with these. But you, you can't hear with this!"
"Huh, ya asshole? Side-WALK?"
"And tests show that a Beach Boys concert is a very sad thing."
"Clearly, if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk."
"I'm not being sarcastic. This is just a little speech impediment. I've talked this way all my life. It's made things *very*
difficult for me."
"We're tall enough!"
"You haven't known the meaning of hell 'til you've dealt with the *Tokyo* police, pal!"
"You love me, uh-huh, whatever."
"I don't like fashion rebellion; it takes too much energy away from real rebellion."
"I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as 'gettin' a lot'?"
Women:
"Did I miss the big cookie? I did so want to be here for the big cookie."
"You're a filthy liar, mummy."
"Daddy still didn't like Cyril, but after that there was respect."
"You want me to give you a quarter so that you can masturbate in front of my child?"
"Someone has kidnapped Sex Boy!"