Goth Sunshine
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slept till 5 p.m. today...went to bed at 10 p.m. do you think i had some sleep to catch up on?
no email still...but i haven't given up hope. i just have to walk by his office in a tight skirt showing off my "gorgeous ass" as someone called it (g).
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 19:41
Friday, October 10, 2003
i talked to my medical coverage (my doc's on maternity leave, darling little baby), and she increased my gleemonex to double the dose. i really hope this helps because now that i actually *want* to go out and be around people, i'm apparently fucking everything up because my moods are out of control. my sister, barb, compares it to my nephew's ADD, like i have no impulse control or something. but this has only been going on for a couple of weeks and considering everything that has been going on (Michael Andrade's death, my friendship with mike coming to a complete end, moving back home where i definitely did not want to be, etc.) i think i should be allowed to flake just a bit.
i just hope someone else follows my lead and calls their doctor. i've upped my dosage so up yours (beg).
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 22:44
okay, so he hasn't emailed me yet. it's starting to get me down a little. but i still had the gumption today when i saw him to give him my cell number...my fucking cell phone number!!! where the hell did this personality come from? by the end of this, i'm either going to wind up curled up in the fetal position or involved in an extremely uncomfortable situation at work because i did something stupid.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 16:40
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
i'm starting to wonder if i am manic-depressive. for much of the past week, i have wished that i could just go to sleep and never wake up again. i have been paranoid, sad and regretful.
but i've also had a few moments where i feel boomtastic...i bought pants and have been wearing makeup every day. i also actually asked my longtime crush out for dinner and gave him my email address. he hasn't written back but even if he doesn't, i can't believe i even had the balls. my reaction if he doesn't write back will depend on my mood that night. i'll either shrug it off or want to die.
i should talk to my therapist about this paradox.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 18:49
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
i had words with barbara tonight. i know we are both on the emotional edge but she really cannot let anything slip past without beating it to the ground. she has always been like that but i had just told her how fragile i felt and how much i felt like a fuck up, despite an "emergency" appointment with my therapist and then she has to berate me for 15 minutes over something stupid. i wanted to leave but i knew i shouldn't.
i'm here at kristin's and i am doing what i should...emotionally, i am nearly gone and much of the time i wish i was physically gone. i have gotten too tired.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 00:37
Monday, October 06, 2003
case in point of feeling useless. the woman sent by the army who has been kristin's backbone through all of this, taking care of necessities and surprises and unpleasantries that have come up so kristin has nothing else to worry about and who through spending so much time with us has become a friend of sorts just left kristin's home and kissed and said goodnight to everyone in the room but walked right by me without a word. i feel so unbelievably heinous right now.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 00:03
Sunday, October 05, 2003
those last two entries are supposed to be in italics as they are song lyrics, duh. i can't even figure that out : P
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 22:28
i'm just waiting on a friend
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 22:26
i'm a loser, baby...so why don't you kill me?
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 21:51
i am at the brink of emotional endurance...please forgive my babbling.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 21:50
i want to curl up and die...why do so many people have to care about me?
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 21:46
everything i've done in the past few days feels like a complete and total fuck up. i get looks for things i say and things i do or don't do. i'd like to think i'm being paranoid but of course it doesn't feel like it. i have spent a few hours drunk this weekend (not alone, of course) which indubitable makes it worse but even during the remainder of the time i can't seem to do anything right. no one will tell me to my face i'm a fuck-up but sometimes i swear i see it in their faces. sometimes i have to tell myself to shut up and let everyone else do their thing because i simply can't get anything right. i'm sure the other girls would tell me otherwise and i've tried to believe i'm serving a purpose by being here but i just can't feel it.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 21:19
honestly, i am not looking for attention, affrimation, sympathy or anything.
i just need to express the utter and complete worthlessness i feel. i am on two different medications and, during this situation, i have completely fallen apart. i am nothing, i am worth nothing and i deserve nothing.
i don't want you guys to worry... i would *never, ever* do anything to harm myself; i care about you all too much. but at times like these, i really understand why some people do.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 21:11
i'm very, very sad...kristin seems fine; however, i am not.
if it weren't for the impact on my family and friends, i'd be quite content to die right now.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 21:06
yesterday was the hardest day of my life by far. with the exception of a few hours of grey goose-addled levity, there was nothing but heartwrenching sorrow and self loathing that i could not contain. i was allowed to be a part of the "inner circle" of kristen's friends, riding in a limo and sitting with the family in the church and her closer friends made me feel like i knew them forever. kristin collapsed from emotion as she tried to leave the church and had to be helped out. of course, vulturous newspaper reporters and photographers got every invasive moment. a short while later at the fire station where they held a gathering after the burial, she became catatonic, unable to speak or move. she was taken home by rescue but only rested for about half an hour. she came to for a cigarette of all things and then we got food and drink into her and after a while she was like a different person. we were able to talk about michael and joke and laugh and gave her a way to "not think about it" for a while.
the self-loathing part came much later into the night, after i had a few too many screwdrivers and was overcome with a feeling of worthlessness, loneliness and, compared to what michael has done, a sorrow about how little i have accomplished in my life. then, of course, i felt guity about being so self absorbed, even though kristin was in a much better mood, and i avoided her for the rest of the night. i should never drink alcohol when i am sad already.
i feel guilty for that and the fact that i think michael's baby brother is way hot. i'm going to the pagan's version of hell.
a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 16:38