yesterday was the hardest day of my life by far. with the exception of a few hours of grey goose-addled levity, there was nothing but heartwrenching sorrow and self loathing that i could not contain. i was allowed to be a part of the "inner circle" of kristen's friends, riding in a limo and sitting with the family in the church and her closer friends made me feel like i knew them forever. kristin collapsed from emotion as she tried to leave the church and had to be helped out. of course, vulturous newspaper reporters and photographers got every invasive moment. a short while later at the fire station where they held a gathering after the burial, she became catatonic, unable to speak or move. she was taken home by rescue but only rested for about half an hour. she came to for a cigarette of all things and then we got food and drink into her and after a while she was like a different person. we were able to talk about michael and joke and laugh and gave her a way to "not think about it" for a while.

the self-loathing part came much later into the night, after i had a few too many screwdrivers and was overcome with a feeling of worthlessness, loneliness and, compared to what michael has done, a sorrow about how little i have accomplished in my life. then, of course, i felt guity about being so self absorbed, even though kristin was in a much better mood, and i avoided her for the rest of the night. i should never drink alcohol when i am sad already.

i feel guilty for that and the fact that i think michael's baby brother is way hot. i'm going to the pagan's version of hell.

a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 16:38