tavie.com

I'm a compulsive overeater. Or a binge-eater. I think they're related, but different. I think it's: a compulsive overeater eats too much continually throughout the day without the desire or ability to stop. A binge-eater goes through episodes where they eat until they're sick or almost sick, wanting to stop but unable to. I guess I'm the second. This is a shameful thing, you know. But I recognize it as a mental health condition, a legitimate one. So I'm trying to ignore the shame part.

I discovered I had this problem a couple years ago when a friend of mine was going through OA and losing quite a lot of weight in the process. I read some of the literature and discovered I had the classic symptoms. I also went to a meeting. Found it interesting, a little scary.

I also discovered a way to control the problem. That's why I say that sugar and flour are like cocaine to me-- if I have even the slightest little bit, I won't be able to stop no matter how much I want to. But if I have none, after a certain time period-- say, a few days-- I won't crave them any more, and will be able to eat fairly normally. I lost 30 pounds by abstaining from sugar and starches this way.

But once in awhile I'll make a mistake. I'll have a cookie, or it'll be the holidays, or I'll burn my tongue on some hot pepper and eat a spoonful of rice. A lot of the time, I can look at these incidents and say, "Well, that was stupid, don't do it anymore." And sometimes that works. And sometimes it doesn't, and I'll spiral out of control.
I made the mistake of having pizza at Andrew's during the horror-movie-fest last weekend. At first, it was okay. I was eating carbs, but not an abnormal amount. I'd just, say, not avoid the noodles when my family ordered Chinese.

But last night I had an episode. It involved crackers-- my worst enemy. My Nemeses. Crackers are evil. And not just them. And it turned into a problem. Hence the gloom-and-doom last night.

Now I'm trying to recover. Times like these are when it would really help to have a group to go to, a sponsor to call. But OA scares me. New people scare me. It's really, really hard to start something like that. I can't go by myself. But it sure would help. The difference in my emotional state after something like this is incredible. Depression like a ton of bricks. I sure wish I could convince my mom to go.

So now, I'm in kitten-poster mode. First day of the rest of your life. One day at a time. You'd be amazed, really.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 4:57 PM | shower me with attention