thanks to all you guys who voiced your concern for me in various ways. i'm pretty much okay...i was just kinda freaked out by the whole thing. i talked to my aunt today and she sounds as though nothing happened. my fear is that she is in major denial (which i believe is highly likely) and that is certainly going to impede her recovery. i think what scares me the most is that i can totally relate to what she did. she always makes comments about how i am the most like her mentally/personality wise and i have been through phases where i have fantasized about taking too many pills. i have even looked through the PDR or other pill books to "research" the overdose symptoms to see which of whatever prescriptions i was on at that time would be "best". i don't think i ever really wanted to die, but at times i just didn't care if i lived. during a breakthrough heart-to-heart with my mother a few years ago, i confessed to her that if it weren't for my family i would not be alive. imagining their grief and anger towards me if i did what i imagined doing was the only thing that kept me from doing anything. but my aunt did it. because of this, in time, will the urge come back to me and be too much for me to resist?

i believe my depression is firmly rooted in a biological chemical imbalance, or "nature", and merely exacerbated by "nuture". i've gotten it from both barrels, genetically speaking, with just about every member of both sides of my family having it to varying degrees. nevertheless, i have thought for quite a while now that i have been doing very well off medication. i have felt pretty happy, confident to a degree, i put make up on every day (which is a feat for me considering my past) and i care about myself. i have come to believe that my depression has become more episodic and that perhaps i do not need daily medication but may just need to treat it as the "episodes" occur. however, i made an appointment with my internist in the wake of my aunt's distress to make sure i am not in denial myself. i want to make sure i do not unknowingly slip into a crevass i cannot get out of without a cry for help.

other than that, my biggest problem is my impotent attempt to move. it has become clear to me that unless i wish to live in a hovel (um...i *don't* :) i need a roommate. i'm starting to realize that the potential situation of rooming with my aunt (a different one) is probably never going to happen or at least not in a timeline that is satisfactory to me. i could try beating mike's ass and that may be my only option. other than that i know of no one i could stand to live with. unless gina, tavie and i can rent our "sitcom house" in jersey, i see no other way. and i don't believe gina is in any hurry to lose "her space" and move in with the likes of me : )

well, i could always use my "moving money" and buy a laptop. : P

a bad case of verbal diarrhea from Cheryl 23:52