tavie.com

I suppose it's time to address this.

Please tell me what you did today. Please?

My technique has always been Self-Preservative Avoidance. I am an expert at it. I can very quickly be completely numb. I can turn emotion on and off like a tap. Mostly.

I've been going along with sort of a weary resignation. In my haht of hahts I believe I wished for today to pass without much overt acknowledgement. I wish it was possible to have one collective, centralized, exclusive Moment of Silence sort of deal, but that otherwise for today to be like any other day. (When I say "today" I mean "yesterday" according to the clock.) I thought of all the people who have been trying to spend the past year forgetting about it-- and I'm only basing this on my own limited experience of grief and my mental avoidance techniques-- don't think about the loved one gone, just watch a lot of M*A*S*H (or Kids in the Hall or The Wizard of Oz or whatever)-- and how they'd be forced, maybe outside of their will, to Think and Reflect and Dwell and all that stuff. But I recognized that not everyone chooses Avoidance and that it would be just as unfair to impose my Avoidance on others.

So, what I did today: I got up around 2 pm, as I have been doing lately. I got dressed. I surfed the internet and ate a very ripe peach, and the omelet my sister made me. I put Lost in Space in a discman and went to school. I did the crossword puzzle through Modern Theatre and passed notes back and forth with Terrence. I went to Sociolinguistics and suffered through two hours of that. Did more of the crossword and got away with a little covert Village Voice leafing. Then I exited the premises.

I walked past the Armory and all of the soldiers in combat uniform, complete with helmets. It was very, very windy out.

I got on the subway. I got off on Roosevelt Island. I walked home. On the way home I called Ade and had a chat with her. Outside of my apartment building there was a large, noisy congregation of people with candles singing along to the loud singing of whoever it was who had the microphone. I felt nothing at this display but irritation at having to fight through the crowd to get into my building. I tried to feel guilt at feeling irritation, but it did not come.

I came upstairs and ate Chinese food-- bbq'ed meats and bok choi-- with my parents, and watched Bringing up Baby. I surfed the internet some more. I watched David Letterman. David Letterman made me feel something akin to emotional reflection and remorse. When he said, "Let's take a moment and say a silent prayer to those who lost loved ones a year ago", I actually did such. This felt natural. I feel that Letterman did a service to us a year ago and I felt he was handling things properly tonight.

That brings me about up to date. I'm now watching M*A*S*H. I hope Gina is okay. I just saw that she left a message on my phone, which I neglected to take off of "silent" mode after class today. I hope she was okay and just calling to say hi.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 1:23 AM | shower me with attention