tavie.com

Today I invented a machine that will make it possible for people to turn their farts into fuel for their car. I saved my boss and three little puppies from a burning building and gave a homeless woman a big kiss on the ear, for which she punched me squarely in the nose. After that I went to China and rode a three-person bicycle along the Great Wall with character actors Michael Jeter and the late William Hickey. We sang Clash songs and afterwards we rode to a little inn and had oolong tea and Pez. William Hickey told us about the afterlife and we made him do his scene from "The Producers" with us. (I played the Zero Mostel character and Michael played Gene Wilder's character.) We did the part where they all sing "By the Light of the Silvery Moon", only my voice was very nasal because my nose was still swollen from the homeless woman punching me. But William Hickey was famous for having a nasal voice, and Michael Jeter ain't no Barry White, so it was okay. It was hell getting back from China but I brought everyone souveniers.

My life is very exciting and you should be envious at how full and interesting my days are.

Why are you in Tavie's head? 2:36 PM | shower me with attention